My Not So Secret Thoughts

New.

2011-11-25T21:20:00.009-07:00

Hey family. I haven't updated this in years. Sorry 'bout that. But alas, I'm back with some basic updates for you. New apartment. New girls. I love them. They are quite probably my favorite females of all time. They are sane and chill and we go on the greatest adventures of all time. And they are teaching me how to do girl things like hair, make-up and such. So I basically adore them.

This is my new male counterpart, Andrew. He's spectacular. He's very kind and we share a lot of the same views on things. Sometimes I really feel like he is a male version of me just because finding someone who is on the same page as me is crazy rare. He's a saint. Always making sure I'm comfortable and the like. He's handsome and my dad set us up so he has the parental stamp of approval which is usually the hardest stamp to get. Andrew wins at life. I'm stoked to see where things go with him because he's so amazing that my mind just explodes whenever I'm around him.

Other new things; I love Dexter. It is a fabulous show but not it's not very easy to watch for most people. I love shooting guns. I've gone shooting twice since my last post and it's a new favorite activity. I have a pretty solid group of friends this year which is very helpful. UVU is good, very very different from BYU though. I'm poor all of the time but that's standard right? Also, forensic science. I'm thinking about as a minor to my psych major so that could be super exciting. And that's all I can think of for now. END.

Here ya go.

2011-10-23T23:43:00.002-06:00

Hey family. I know a lot of you have been calling, emailing, facebooking to see what happened between Parker and I. The truth is, I'm not sure. Neither of us currently know our status. It's complicated but it looks like things have a solid chance of being over.

Music Scene

2011-08-07T11:38:00.002-06:00

I really really love the local music scene I just wish I could just be more involved in it. I have friends that are constantly going to parties and free concerts and I just have no idea how they hear about all of these things. I feel like I've missed out on something somewhere along the road. It's a bummer and I'm jealous of the in crowd.

Whoaa.

2011-07-27T13:33:00.002-06:00

Just went to the doctor and apparently I've lost 15 pounds since I was at my heaviest. So that's cool.

It was also my birthday recently. It was pretty swell. I went to breakfast with the parents, shopped around park city, ate dinner at the olive garden then watched a movie and lit some fireworks. It was grand.

I'm also heading to denver this weekend then to seattle and to top it all off I'm going backpacking all while I work, get ready for school and move out so I should be pretty busy for the rest of the month but I'll try to post pictures or something.

hello summer.

2011-07-04T00:19:00.003-06:00

Hey followers. I am sorry that I am the worst blog updater ever. It's been, what, a month? And that last post was not informative at all. Now all I can do is grovel and beg for forgiveness in hopes that you'll forgive me.

So lets see. I've totaled Old Rusty... Poor Lad. After all those years he never saw it coming and neither did I since I blacked out thus the accident. Luckily I walked out of that accident just fine. A true blessing. Since that incident I was in another car accident, this one wasn't my fault and the car was fine but now I'll have to spend the rest of the summer in Physical Therapy. I've also been working nonstop which has been great. Teaching summer school and special ed has been amazing and I love all of the kids I work with. I know I struggled with school but I was nothing compared to these kids. It's been a real eye opening experience that I wouldn't change for the world. I hope that these kids can continue to teach me about life and what it has to offer. My dad is broken and even though I give him a hard time I really do feel bad for the poor guy. Family has also been around and that's been cool. It's always fun to see them. Especially other than Christmas. It's a real treat. Oh man, my nieces and nephews are the most attractive children. It's not fair. I wish I had more money just so I could visit them once in a while. Maybe over spring or fall break if I'm rolling in dough I can head to the east or west cost and see someone.

And that's my summer thus far.

dangerous llamas

2011-06-07T23:35:00.005-06:00

Llamas with hats.

These videos amuse me so badly. Carl is only the craziest llama ever, but boy is he hysterical. I want to quote him forever! Go to youtube and check 'em out. 4 videos all by secretagentbob. Share the disturbingly hysterical love.

Also. My dad's arms are both broken.

This is all for now.

awwwwwsome...

2011-06-03T23:55:00.002-06:00

This week has been pretty mediocre, even leaning towards the bad side. Not sure why. Just not a good week. It could have something to do with my accident, trouble sleeping or the fact that my personal issues never seem to go away. Either way, I'm ready for next week.

random writing

2011-05-07T13:50:00.005-06:00

I am cleaning my room and I found this random thing I wrote. I have no idea how old it is but it amuses me so badly.

I woke up one morning with hair like a mountain.

I started screaming and my mom said "Hey, stop your shoutin'"

I tried to fix it up with soap,

but that didn't work so I tried to cope.

I tried to iron it flat.

I tried a hat.

I tried to chop it all off.

It didn't move one bit.

My hair just wanted to sit.

I had a fit.

I went to the doctor but he couldn't find anything wrong.

He said it was normal for my hair to be abnormal.

He said I should go see the Prince of Ali.

I did and now I'm here wondering why I was cursed cleaning toilets with nothing but my hair.

I'm now in a state of doubt and my mom keeps asking me why I didn't just get detangler and brush the mountain out.

I think I should write books for small children.

hello summer.

2011-04-17T11:30:00.003-06:00

I've hiked the Y twice this weekend. I've eaten watermelon. I've dressed up like a cowboy and I move home in 6 days. Summer is here.

one night in the library

2011-04-06T18:07:00.000-06:00

One night Parker and I went to the library to study. We ended up being in a music video instead.

Note: Look for us behind the main singer. We won't come in until about 2:30 into the video. Don't worry kids, I'm already aware of how lame I look in this video so you don't need to tell me. And Parker is wearing my bright red sweats because he spilt ramen all over himself he's usually much more stylish.

Quotes.

2011-03-30T19:02:00.003-06:00

As of late I've come across a few quotes that I've really liked.

“What happened in the past that was painful has a great deal to do with what we are today, but revisiting this painful past can contribute little or nothing to what we need to do now.” William Glasser

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." Buddha

"Reality is in color but black and white is more realistic" Anonymous

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." Angela Schwindt

Holi

2011-03-28T00:14:00.003-06:00

For those of you who don't know Holi is a spring festival celebrated by Hindus. Anyways there is a large enough Hindu population in Utah County that there is a Krishna Temple down in Spanish Fork and every year they celebrate Holi and everyone is invited to come and celebrate the holiday and there is lots of music and color throwing and food involved. Parker and I went together this year and it was crazy good times until I got kicked in the nose by two crowd surfers and then there was blood all over and now my nose might be broken. It's all red and swollen right now and I've been icing it and putting some medical stuff on it all day. Sadly I really just have to wait it off since there's not much you can do for a broken nose.

RIP Cougs

2011-03-24T23:00:00.003-06:00

The Cougars made it to the sweet sixteen but due to some evil Florida Gators the Cougs will not be moving on to the elite eight which is a total bummer cause my dad just bought me a Jimmer jersey. Oh well, I'll just sport it around the town cause I love my team even if they didn't go all the way.

honestly?

2011-03-24T01:16:00.003-06:00

I just don't even know what is going on anymore.

I think I might just be okay with that though.

Also. Disney stockholder meetings and mission call openings are exciting.

chef jamie

2011-03-17T15:18:00.003-06:00

Last night I attempted to cook something kinda nice for dinner, like a chicken veggie pasta of sorts. Now since I am a vegetarian I can easily say that I had never cooked chicken before last night so it was quite the experience for me. I am pretty sure I messed it up big time but I'll never know for sure because I didn't eat any of the meat. Parker ate some though and he said it was good but I'm pretty sure he was lying because it looked pretty crunchy and disgusting. I know I am a bad cook but I still try to pretend like I have some skills in the kitchen. Anyways, here are some picture from my cooking adventure.

some spinach and tomato toppings

chicken gone wrong

noodles

bowling

2011-03-17T01:31:00.005-06:00

P-Kar and I went bowling with Cait and Myles the other night. Parker showed me this clip afterwards at 3:55 - 5:03 minutes into it, it perfectly describes my night...

(The whole clip is good, it's just that one segment that describes my life and how much I suck)

I was the worst bowler. I was so bad that Myles gave me bumpers for the last game. I had total scores of 79, 55 and 92 (with bumpers).

My night was sufficiently embarrassing.

Really fun, but embarrassing.

dress up

2011-03-12T23:39:00.012-07:00

Today amongst our other many adventures Parker was convinced to play dress up with me, and even though he denies it I know he loved it. I didn't capture all of his beautiful costume creations on camera but I did catch these. I hope someone loves them as much as I do.

There are many reasons why I like Parker as much as I do. One of the main reasons being that he is one of very few sane men who'd play dress up with me. He's just my best friend through and through and I enjoy him a lot.

naughty naughty

2011-03-11T11:27:00.004-07:00

Last night I mentioned the words roofie and orgy and when I mentioned these terms someone involved in the conversation was always clueless as to what was being said.... I know I'm kind of a naughty person but sometimes I just feel bad for naive BYU students... they just make me sad and then I worry for them, I worry a lot. I'm sure they'll be taken advantage of one day and the thought of that kind of makes my heart break so then I try to educate these poor people and then I feel like I have ruined their innocence but I feel like I've protected them in another regard. It all balances out right?

Anyways...

I hiked a mountain in the middle of the night last night. It was an adventure. This boy and I decided to hike up to rock canyon from our apartment. It was grand. We saw stars and we even played at a park for a while. It was exciting.

Songs of the morning:

Little Secrets by Passion Pit

She's Got You High by Mumm-Ra

terrible timing

2011-03-09T13:09:00.001-07:00

I always really need someone to talk to when no one is available to talk... it's awful.

I also found that unless I get a B in everyone of my classes I'm going to be on probation.

It's been a really awesome day thus far...

Not really.

colorado

2011-03-06T20:57:00.004-07:00

We went to a natural history museum, saw an imax film, made tons of food, went to good will and Parker even tried on some clothes, we walked around south lands, had lunch with his grandma, cleaned a church building, watched some movies, colored, went to costco, cuddled, played scribblish, went to a park and hung out, played some pig and sang a lot of disney songs. It was an amazing trip! Parker's family is awesome! I'd go back and visit them in a heartbeat.

Favorite moments of the trip:

Parker's face when he ate almonds for a snack

Trent tied up the dogs in some blankets

Parker made a little girl cry at the park (totally wasn't his fault though)

Parker woke me up with love

Playing scribblish

Eating a big cookie at South Lands

Song sung the most on the trip:

Coming Home by Diddy ft. Skylar Grey

All in all, it was a good trip and I'd recommend checking out Colorado.

it's official!

2011-03-01T20:29:00.002-07:00

Parker and I are heading to Denver this weekend with his sister and her husband so I can meet his parents. I'm about to pee my pants because I'm so nervous excited. I've never met anyone in his family before. If you have any tips for meeting parents or family members in general you should sent them my way because I can use all the help I can get right now. Either way, even if things don't go as planned with his family I'm just stoked to go on a road trip and spend the weekend in Denver.

500 days of summer

2011-02-28T13:55:00.003-07:00

Youngberg and I spent a good chunk of dinner discussing 500 Days of Summer and since it's one of my favorite movies I decided to watch it today and I as I was watching, I realized something terribly embarrassing... After I'm with Parker I act like this...

36 hours

2011-02-28T00:14:00.006-07:00

I spent 36 straight hours with Parker. We had some crazy adventures.

We started out with some lunch at Costco. We then went to the HBLL to study for a bit. After being not so productive we went to the Provo Mall to hang out until we were suppose to meet up with one of Parker's old mission comps. When it was time to meet up with his comp things got a little confusing and we went to the place where we thought we were going to have a double date of sorts and his comp, Youngberg, shows up with a man friend and then hands Parker a packet and tells us that we're doing a secret review of this restaurant and we have to order certain things and then we answer a survey and then we send in our receipt and then we'll get our money back in a month or so. It was very confusing. Youngberg also told us that he and his male friend we're gonna go to Red Robin and do the same thing while Parker and I ate at Ruby River (which is a very expensive steakhouse for those of you who didn't know). So Parker and I head into the restaurant and we're looking at the menu and things are uber expensive so we chicken out out of fear that we might not get our money back so we end up getting an appetizer so we don't look completely retarded. Parker ended up telling our story to our waitress and she gave us free dessert so all in all our meal turned out pretty well, it was just terribly embarrassing and awkward and awesome all at the same time.

We finished our meal time adventure before Youngberg and his man friend did so we headed back to the mall to hang until they finished. When they were done they met up with us and we exchanged stories but it turns out that for some reason Youngberg had to do both of these dinner things and he had to do them on the same night so after Youngbergs man friend left the three if us headed back to Ruby River so Youngberg could fill out this packet survey thing. We had a good time and Youngerg was way chill, he's an artsy, indie guy and I think he and I have a lot more in common than Parker and I do so it was really interesting. They told me all sorts of mission stories and it was a lot of fun.

It was like 10 by the time we finished so Parker and I headed back to his place and we watched Good Will Hunting and Parker was so tired that he fell asleep within the first hour of the movie and he was totally out so I ended up just crashing at his place that night and it's like the 4th or 5th sleepover we've had so at this point I'm not even weirded out by crashing at his place anymore.

The next morning he fed me some breakfast and then we got ready and we went to some random ward together and the sacrament meeting was pretty good so I was glad that we could have gone to it together. Then we read scriptures on campus and we discussed what we read and then we headed to my place where we made lunch and took a nap.

When we woke up it was time for dinner and not just any dinner, dinner at my parents. Now Parker has been to my house before and he has met Sam and my parents but that didn't change the fact that it's still awkward to hang with my family. My favorite thing was that I let him borrow one of my t-shirts while we were at my apartment so we had a debate before we left about whether or not he should put his shirt back on cause my parents would think that's weird. He ended up deciding to put his church clothes back on and as his was changing his shirt, his pants button fell off and I thought I was gonna die laughing. Of all the times for that to happen right? Lucky for us his pants didn't have a problem at my parents house and my dad wasn't terribly awkward and I had a much better time than I expected so it was all cool.

Since Parker's a good influence on me we headed to campus to study for an hour or two to study but since I am a bad influence on him I looked up what was going on with the Oscars and I kept him in the loop and then I got him so distracted that we ended up watching Oscar videos and then we busted open photobooth and took pictures.

After a fair share of getting nothing done we went back to my place and hung out at my place and made brownies and just talked and it was really chill.

I had a really good 36 hours with him.

This is one of many from photobooth but for some reason this one is Parkers favorite.

8 days

2011-02-23T14:08:00.005-07:00

such pain as this

shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
still a little bit delirious

I'm battle scarred,
but I am working oh so hard
to get back to who I used to be

I am healing
but it's taking so long

Presidents Day

2011-02-22T12:21:00.004-07:00

There was no school so Parker and I went on a hike up rock canyon. We climbed up a mountain, laid in the sun and absorbed some rays. It was a good time.

I enjoy him.

Valentines Day

2011-02-15T12:44:00.004-07:00

BEST DAY EVER!

I never thought I'd ever say that about valentines day but really, it was the best day I've had in a long time. While I was in school Parker left me a present to find when I came home. It was cheesy and reminded me of a way you'd ask someone to a high school dance but I still liked it and I was shocked to hear that he thought he was the first person to ever do this. Either way, it made me smile.

(now that i kissed the ground you walk on, will you be my valentine?

love, parker graham)

So that made my morning and then my good friend Nathaniel came over for a few hours and we just hung out and it was a blast! Then I tried to get dressed and do my hair and face and things so I could look good for dinner but I really struggled so Kristy helped me. It was very nice of her.

After struggling to get ready Parker picked me up and then we headed to dinner at the Macaroni Grill. We made reservations but after waiting for over 40 minutes we decided that we were going to get dinner to go since the Macaroni Grill staff kept offering free food to anyone who got dinner to go. We ended up getting free salads, desert and extra bread and then we went out and ate in his car and I know that that probably sounds terrible to a lot of people but it was my idea and it was actually one of the funnest thing I've ever done. It was just so chill, nothing too fancy or over the top just good food and a good time.

After dinner we walked around riverwoods and then we went to borders and we read each other children's books and it was really fun. Then we grabbed some blankets from my apartment and just cuddled in the backseat of his car and just talked until we fell asleep. I know it sounds lame but really, it was just so chill and just feeling so comfortable with someone and wanting to be with no one else just made my night amazing.

booooya.

2011-02-14T01:53:00.003-07:00

Men have a tendency to pop out of nowhere and attack me. I hate them. I don't think they realize how much the attacking complicates things.

Also, it's also valentines time. I'll let y'all know what Parker and I end up doing. Whatever it is, it's sure to be awesome.

plans for the evening

2011-02-09T19:02:00.002-07:00

I wanna curl up in a ball under some blankets.

Blast some music.

Eat some ice cream.

Then lie there for the rest of the night.

it's only a matter if time

2011-02-03T00:33:00.002-07:00

So one of my new college friends got his mission call today and for me this was my first friend being called somewhere and it's kinda weird. I'm stoked out of my pants for him and I think he'll be a great missionary and have a really good time but I'm starting to realize that my friend count is going to shrink drastically in a matter of months and I'm kinda bummed about it. Don't get me wrong, I fully support them going on missions and I'm really happy for them but I think I'll defiantly have a hard time when everyone and their dog is gone for 2 years.

My homeboys;

Thomas

Hiram

Matt

John

James

Nathaniel

Derek

Chance

Tyler

Alex

You will be missed.

feel the wrath.

2011-02-01T01:08:00.001-07:00

Oh my hell.

I hate everything.

This is all.

mmmmm :]

2011-01-20T10:03:00.004-07:00

Things that make me happy:

Looking at fruity pebbles (there are very few rainbow foods)

Listening to Daylight by Matt and Kim

Eating Ice cream for breakfast

Having my computer back

Suuuuuuunshine

My writing professor

everything that can go wrong is going wrong.

2011-01-14T18:11:00.002-07:00

Some shit went down between me and Chance and now everything is kinda awkward...
Some even worse shit happened to Eric...
My computer fell off my bed and was completely destroyed...
Maren went home for the long weekend and my other roommates are mad at me...

Awwwwwwwwwesome.

and then it got worse

2011-01-12T23:39:00.001-07:00

worst x over 9,000 = my life

something has gone terribly wrong.

2011-01-10T19:33:00.003-07:00

I'm dead broke.

I've been sick for days.

I'm exhausted.

I'm already behind.

I'm having flashbacks.

I'm hated by my roommates.

I'm alone in a world full a people.

I'm done.

i'm back.

2011-01-01T17:51:00.002-07:00

I'm back in my apartment. It's nice but way weird at the same time. I feel a little bit off but at the same time I feel like I never left. I feel like there wasn't a break. I feel anxious already. This could be a problem....

Screw my life.

grades.

2010-12-29T14:44:00.002-07:00

I deal with stress really really well. The first thing I usually do when in a stressful situation is throw all my school work out the window and then I stop eating and sleeping. It's a nice and healthy plan. As a result of being fairly stressed this semester I got these grades:

I think I should be stressed more often. It worked so well for me that now I am on probation so that's cool. What really sucks though is that I did that bad and I wasn't even taking as many classes as I should have been... next semester is gonna be a blast! I'm stoked.

where i am

2010-12-26T23:17:00.002-07:00

If I could go back to being 8 years old and know exactly what my life is like right now, would I be happy? Would I be proud of who I am? Of the decision I've made? Of how far I've come? Would I be proud of all of the mistakes I've made? Would I try to change anything? Would I be proud of the people that I associate with? Would I be proud of the relationships I have with my family and friends?

If I was 8 and I knew where I am now I think I would be embarrassed. I think all I could say is "That's it? In 10 years from now that is what my life is going to look like? Is this some kind of sick joke?" I feel like I was a better person 10 years ago then I am today when I am an adult. I'm not sure I would change anything though, I made the decisions I made for a reason. I'm not sure that based on the decisions I've made in my life that I could be further along and happier but I would like to hope that maybe I could be happier and that I am on the road that will take me there.

Sometimes I just wonder that if my 8 year old self would feel nothing but pity for me then why on earth would anyone feel differently? I hope one day I will learn and grow and make decisions and maybe in another 10 years my now present self will be proud of my now future self. But for now I will just feel disappointed with where I am.

come home!

2010-12-23T11:38:00.004-07:00

Dear Parker Maughan,

You should find a plane ticket and come home right this second! I miss you. Seriously though, come home and hang out with me. It's weird not seeing you everyday.

Loooooove,

Jamie Roan

things i missed

2010-12-20T22:33:00.003-07:00

I'm watching the news right now and I forgot how much I love watching the news and then staying up and watching Jay Leno. Leno is a funny funny man especially when jay walking or headlines is involved.

anyways, this is all for now. Happy holidays.

moving.

2010-12-13T14:49:00.000-07:00

I hate men. I'm going to move to a lesbian community where everything will make sense.

Failing.

2010-12-07T17:32:00.002-07:00

There's nothing I can do. I am going to fail my english class. I'll barely pass all my other classes so I'm a shoe in to be on academic probation next semester. Hoorah!

On another note I'm a semi-single lady again and I lost $60 last night so there is just goodness all around.

lunch with the parental unit

2010-12-02T16:27:00.002-07:00

So my dad and I went to lunch today and I semi told him and he semi guessed about my tattoos and things went a lot better then I expected. I just hope it goes that well when I sit down with both of my parents and we "discuss" it.... hmmm. I wonder what Sam will think. I am pretty sure she'll be the only member of my family who is surprised at all.... huh. Anyways, this is all for now. Wish me luck.

what's the status?

2010-11-29T21:20:00.002-07:00

I figured since I blogged about Parker cheating I might as well write about what came from that event, and that would be nothing. We are still dating we are just lacking trust. I know that I should have ended it but I like him and I couldn't get myself to do it. So now I'm just gonna take it one day at a time and see what happens.

and then there were two.

2010-11-28T18:11:00.014-07:00

So my week was a week from hell. Compared to other weeks I've had it hasn't been thaaaat bad but it was still undesirable.

So Thanksgiving just didn't happen for me. It wasn't huge bummer since I don't eat meat but just the fact that my mom flat out cancelled it and when I went home and did laundry and no one talked to each other all day long; that really freaked me out. My family fights a lot but since I moved out it's gotten a lot worse and I can't help but feel like it's my fault that they are all fighting so much right now. It just makes me sick to my stomach.

Friday I went to the mall with Eric and then I spent the day at his house where he planned my date with Parker for that night. He made us up a scavenger hunt list and sent us off to Walmart and Parker and I had a blast and we bought a black fin shark and we named him Fransisco aka Sisco Dragon. He's awesome and he lives in my apartment now. After the scavenger hunt we went out to dinner and then we came back to my place and we started watching a movie and he fell asleep and I got this really bad feeling that something was going down and that I should look through his phone and I know that's terrible but I did it anyways and I found out that he's hardcore cheating on me. So that was awesome. When he woke up I confronted him about it and he confessed to being interested in and messing around with this other girl. I was really hurt. I'm still hurt. I'm so hurt that I haven't slept more than 3 hours since I found out and I don't think that I ate for a good 24+ hours after I found out. Well either way I talked to him and now I have no idea what our relationship status is at this point but I am fairly sure that we are on the road to a nasty break up and I'm sure I'll cry and freak out some more. I just can't help it.

Saturday when I finally got out of my bed, from just laying in there all night looking at the ceiling all night, I cried and I cried a lot. It just hurts knowing that you weren't enough for someone so they had to go behind your back and do a bunch of shit. I hate boys. I always fall for total douche bags. Man. So anyways I was crying my eyes out so I called up Chance and made him come over and he was awesome. I don't think that I could have called up anyone better. So he came and talked to me at my place for a bit and then we went to his house and hung out until he and his family had to go to a baptism but I tagged along and it was great fun. Then Chance went with me while I got my new tattoo (Now most of you are probably thinking "new tattoo? she doesn't have an old tattoo." Well my children, that is false. I got one back in the first week of august). Anyways, I got a dragonfly and it looks awesome. I'll post pictures of both of my tattoos below so now the world will know that they exist. After the tattoo Chance and I went back to his place where we had a party and then I spent the night because for some reason whenever I'm in my apartment all I can do is dwell on the fact that Parker is a horny ass hole but I still like him and then there are bunch of other depressing things that I think about too but we don't need to get into that stuff.

Sunday I woke up and went to church with Chance and his family and then I came back to my apartment and then I cried a lot more and I had a panic attack and it was nasty. And now here I am writing a blog full of personal information that shouldn't be placed on the internet. Bleh. I need someone to come over with a huge amount of ice cream right now but I doubt it will happen.

One:

Two:

salt lake.

2010-11-25T02:47:00.003-07:00

Lc randomly scored some free tickets to the jazz game so Naomi, Aaron, Lc and I took advantage of them and we ended up like 10 rows up from the court it was sweeeeet and then we went to the pie and it was delicious. basically, salt lake is the best.

aaaaaand this is all.

Thanks.

2010-11-22T14:00:00.006-07:00

In the spirit of Thanksgiving I thought that I should have a blog full of things that I am grateful for. It will be simple and I am positive that I will forget a ton of stuff but here it goes anyways.

Stuff:

Running Water

Electricity

Ipod

Laptop

Camera

Education

Apartment

Transportation other than my feet - bike, bus, car etc.

Cell Phone

Warm Clothes

Bowling League

Salads (and other healthy delicious foods)

Shoes

Crayons and Markers

Road Trips

Airports

Music

Rain

Mountains

Camping

Bon Fires

Fireworks

Movies

Shooting Stars

Peeps:

The Man Who Saved My Life - E. Beecroft

Roommates - K Dawg, Nawme, Marenator

The Ward Leader - Bishop Robbins

The Boy: Parker Maughan

The Home Teacher - Matt Morgan

My FHE Partner in Crime - Jacob Mortensen

The Nerdy Boys - Robert, Thomas, John, Matt and Hiram

Freakin' Fantastic R.A. - Trish Fish

The Scera Peeps - Derek Keele, James Gillespie, Nathaniel Merrill and Tommy Rose

High School Homies - Tyler Christensen and Chance Gold

The Family

joyous day?

2010-11-17T14:43:00.004-07:00

Well. This. Sucks. I'm down. I'm very very down. It could be way worse though. But at this point it's bad enough that I am shutting down. I've been skipping a ton of class and homework? Forget about it. I'm pretty much sitting around until Parker calls me up and wants to do something. I should be productive but I can't get myself to do it.

I got into it with my dad yesterday. It was nasty. I was bawling when I hung up the phone. The gist of the conversation is that he was concerned because I was down when I saw my family on last Tuesday. I guess I just don't understand why he was so concerned because I've had depression since I was 10. Having a down day is nothing new and having ONE down day is no reason for him to call up my therapist and ask him what's going on. I still pissed. I'm kinda hurt I guess. I just feel like he's going behind my back when he calls up my therapist. Another part of me feels like he is just trying to keep tabs on me. I kinda feel like now my parents are trying to be a huge part of my life but the thing is that I don't need them right now (well, besides their money and their car.... I do need those things). I needed them when I was growing up and they were too busy working to give a shit about me they just bought me whatever I wanted but buying me a bunch of crap doesn't make up for the fact that they weren't around or the fact that when they were around that they lied to me or didn't tell me the whole truth (like when my mom was in the hospital and they lied to me about it (really, that made the whole situation so much worse)). GOD. I'm just pissed off and I'm hurt.

I have to work tonight and meet with the Bishop. I'm kinda glad I can finally meet with the Bishop but I would love it if I didn't have to work. I need to go bowling. It helps me release a lot of my feelings. I still need to find a sub for tonight since Maren and Molly said they couldn't go... hmm. Anyone wanna bowl tonight? I know I want to.

an accent?

2010-11-13T02:19:00.003-07:00

So, apparently I have an accent of the eastern united states persuasion? I am pretty sure that I don't have one but people keep asking me where I'm from because I have an accent.... I am very okay with having an accent, I just don't think I have one. I'm pretty sure I talk the same way as everyone else but apparently I don't. What do you guys think? Do I have an accent? If yes is it like I say certain words differently or is it more then just certain words? I am just curious and I would really like someone to explain this to me.

Also staying up past 2 am is lame when Maren isn't home. I have no one to talk to and I just sit around in my bedroom all bored and lonely like. Sad times.

stories from my life.

2010-11-11T12:14:00.005-07:00

Sunnnnday:

Eli and Tyler came over and made Maren and I dinner then Parker came over and the whole apartment exploded in anger. It was an awkward time. Then I stayed up till 5:30.

Monday:

I woke up late and had to run to school in the rain. I forgot to wear a jacket and I was wearing canvas shoes. I was soaking wet all day. It wasn't a party. Trisha came over that night and told us about her missionary and then Kristy and Naomi talked about their boys and Maren talked a little bit but then Parker came over to pick me up before it was my turn to say anything (thank goodness). I watched some batman cartoons with Parker. It was a good time. Then I came home and then Maren told me about a potential date that Kristy and Naomi are trying to set up and then I freaked out and went to bed.

Tuesday:

I had to go to therapy in the morning then I purposely skipped class for some reason that I can't remember. I walked to Shopko in the middle of a snow storm. Then my mom took me to the bank so I could deposit my check and I found out that I might have enough to have an adventure over thanksgiving break. After the bank my mom was planning on taking me to a store so that I could buy new pants because all of mine are falling off but we didn't have enough time so we headed to Macaroni Grill where we met up with Spencer, Kathrine and the baby as well as my dad and grandma. Dinner was... well, something else. If you know my family then I'm sure you can imagine. Meh. It was actually one of the better get-togethers we've had. After that I went home and Matt A. came over and then Tyler came over after he left. Tyler even helped me out with my potential thanksgiving adventure. He's the best.

Wednesday:

Woke up and went to school. I fell asleep in every class. I came home and had some hot chocolate because it was uber cold outside. Then I got on facebook and started talking to Eric which was great because I hadn't talked to him in ages. I was suppose to go to a crisis line meeting but I ended up talking to Eric the whole time instead. Then I went and I found a sweet artist who is gonna help me out with my thanksgiving plan. Ummmm. Then I went bowling and bowled a 131 and it was sweet! Then I came home and puked because my stomach was so angry at me and then I went to bed.

Thursday:

Slept through my alarm and woke up to the fire alarm going off because Kristy turned on the heater and it smelled nasty. I ended up sleeping in past my only class of the day... so that was kinda bad so then I just sat in my room and listened to some Pandora because Pandora is the best. Then I got a text from my partner from the crisis line asking me if I was coming in and I had totally spaced so I ran to the crisis line as fast as I could which only took 15 minutes (I was very surprised by my running skills). I stayed there until 6 then ran home so that I could meet up with my mom and grandma. Then when they showed up my grandma had to tell me about her rotting teeth and how I was an anorexic. My mom dropped of my grandma at her place and then we went out to eat and then we ran to TJMaxx to look for some pants because all of mine keep falling off. After a shopping adventure we had to head back to my grandmothers for a quick family gathering of sorts and the entire utah family gang was there and it was a party. Then Spencer was kind enough to give me a ride home and then come and talk with me for a while so that was very very nice because I really do enjoy talking to him. So we chilled for a bit and then he had to go home. I'm really glad he took the time to talk to me though. It meant a lot.

So. That's my week thus far. Tomorrow I have to take a midterm which I am certain I am going to fail hardcore and then I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna do something with Parker so that should be cool. So. Yeah?

I'm not sure if I should blog more like this or if you guys like it more the other way where I just throw out random updates with way less details. Just let me know what you like and I'll try to keep it how you like it unless I am in the mood to write a different way. Also more people should have a blog or blog more often about their lives because blogs are my favorite.

Anyways. I'm out for the night! Peace son!

Life Update

2010-11-07T01:35:00.008-06:00

So, I love my job but I'm only guaranteed to work one more time. It's quite depressing. I miss Eric and Lilly more than anything else on the face of the earth. Bowling league is good. Crisis line is good. Social life is meh. Homework is the worst. I am the worst at doing homework. I am determined to never life at home again. I don't think that I could do that to myself. Oh man. Also I am terrible because I keep stressing out whenever someone I know is having a problem or stressing out about something. Like I drop whatever I am doing and then I'll bend over backwards if needs be, to fix the problem or help the person stressing out with the issue. I'm not saying that helping is a bad thing but more the fact that I haven't done anything for me and I haven't been able to de-stress myself but I am going out of my way to try to help everyone else out. I've also been recently overcome by a constant feeling of guilt and I have no idea what to do about it. Time for a topic change? Yes. There are some tagged pictures of me in college of me on facebook for those family members or others who live far away and want to keep tabs on my life.

Anyways. That's my life. I'm off to bed. Happy daylight savings everyone!

my stomach controls my life?

2010-10-31T11:39:00.003-06:00

This morning I woke up with some crazy stomach thing. It's like that something in your life is a funk feelings. But I don't think anything is a funk so I can't tell if this is like a warning sign like "Hey! Hey! Something bad is gonna go down, you better change something stat!" Or maybe this is the paranoid feeling I get that usually causes me to do something retarded when my life is going well? I just can't tell and it's kinda irritating because I want the feeling to go away and I want to take care of the potential problem if there is an issue. I read a study a while ago that talked about how accurate your gut is and how you should listen to it and I realized that my gut has never failed me but I can't tell what the feeling is this time. Is it pure paranoia or is something actually gonna go down? I guess I'll just wait it out and see.

this will probably make little to no sense but I am going to blog it up anyways

2010-10-26T00:38:00.002-06:00

So there is a boy that I am seeing. I like him a lot. More than I have liked anyone since dylan hannig probably. I just don't know what to do. You see, he isn't a virgin and he has made it clear that he would like to get it on with me and I am not quite sure how I feel about that... Anyways that's my boy drama for this blog.

Umm. My stomach is causing me some serious issues lately and I have no idea what to do about them. What else is going on in my life? Ummm. I am the worst at school work. Mostly when it comes to my english class. There is just so much writing and I really am a dreadful writer. I work for a crisis line and I love it more than life. I am on a bowling league and I am terrible but bowling really is the highlight of my week. I am determined to never live at home again which means that I must soon begin my hunt for a new job. Any ideas where to start?

I am so stoked for this week! I am going to party it up! Halloween is the only day I look forward to all year and I am going to go all out!

For some reason I really want to go to a shelter and get a cat and keep it in my apartment. Sorry that was random. I still need to get my drivers license. I need to get a car eventually. I need to get more music on my ipod. I wish I knew why people hated me so much. I don't think I did anything wrong. I wish the world was easy and made sense. I wish I had someone to just vent to all the time about everything. I wish I never had to cook again.

Do I need more things to say?

I got this?

2010-10-20T01:30:00.002-06:00

Many prayers, tears, mistakes, a years worth of venting and a blessing later I think I can finally do it. I can finally end it. I am going to try to stand up for myself for the first time in years. I am going to be honest and just say exactly how I feel. Maybe something along the lines of "I'm just not ready for this and this isn't what I want or need right now". I am going to do whatever it takes to get out of this situation because I know it's what I need to do it and I know I'll be grateful in the long run. I just got to do. I can't back down. I am not going to be physical when I am not ready to be. I am not going to be a tease and lead someone on. I am not going to inconvenience myself just because I don't want to hurt some one's feelings. My life and my sanity needs to be my priority in life for once. I am going to take care of myself and keep control of my life and the situations I am put into.

oh boy!

2010-10-13T14:22:00.002-06:00

There is really only one thing that I want in life and that is a decent boy. I want someone who is smart, funny and random and word vomits like I do. I want to be with someone who I can completely trust both when it comes to physical stuff (like he won't push me to do things I don't want to do) and when it comes to emotional stuff (I want to be able to tell someone everything about my life, no secrets). I want to be with someone that I find attractive and not some freak who follows me around like my shadow. I want to be with someone who won't judge me and will just love me unconditionally for being me. That's really all I want in a guy; if we have some things in common then that's nice too but really, I just want someone who respects me and loves me back.

not again.

2010-09-03T10:05:00.002-06:00

I miss my guy friends who would look out for me when they knew something was going on. You know, the ones who would beat the shit out of any guy who did something to me or talked about me in a derogatory way. Clark was really good at that, even when we weren't close he had no problem looking out for me. I miss him.

Anyways, some people are aware of what has happened. At this point I am sick of typing the story so if you want to know give me a call or something. Anyways, I went to the store with Dallas yesterday and I bumped into my new college creeper and you know what Dallas did? He walked away. Thanks. Way to be a man. Anyways. I hate creepers, I hate how I attract them. Do I send off a vibe that says if you are a creep please come my way? Well, either way I am super paranoid about leaving my apartment now. I am just so sick of this. I just want it to stop. My life sucked throughout high school because of shit like this and now I am in college and it starts all over. I wish there was a way to break the cycle. I am just glad I talked to Eric last night he helped me feel better. Meh. I think I just need to cary a handgun around all the time.

This is all.

moooooooving

2010-08-26T22:16:00.004-06:00

So I was suppose to move out today after I got home from walkabout (which was amazing by the way). However, I didn't realize how much I still have to do before I move so I am spending one official last night at home. So I am moving tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. and Eric is going to help me. Originally my dad was going to help me move but he is so stressed by the fact that my mom is in the hospital again that I don't want anything added to his plate but I think he thinks that I want Eric to help me because I like him more which isn't true I just like them in different ways. The fact of the matter is that Eric knows how stressed my family is and he offered to help so I took him up on his offer. I think my dad is kinda mad at me but he is so stressed that the last thing I need him to do is help me move all my junk. Meh. Any advice on what I should say to my dad?

List of stuff I have to do before I leave tomorrow:

SLEEP!

Pack up the last few items

Clean my room

Clean Tiki's cage

Vacuum downstairs

Do more laundry

Make sure all my walkabout stuff is put away

Pack up the truck

Some how make my face look like I didn't loose a fight with the face fairy. (I have mosquito bites all over my body, particularly my face. I also look like I was punched in the mouth because my lips are so chapped. Supper hot right?)

And pray that I don't forget anything which I'm sure I am going to.

for realzly?

2010-08-21T22:24:00.002-06:00

So after a grand weekend adventure I came home yeah? Yeah, and in a matter of minutes everyone was yelling at me. I don't know what happened or if I did something but everyone was just super bitchy. I just... I don't know. I was so happy and I guess it's my own fault for being depressed now but there is only oh such much being yelled at that a person can take. Meh. I don't even know. I'm just stressed, tired and depressed and I wish that there was something I could do about it. Sure I can sleep but it's never enough, I am so busy and so stressed that I can't have a good nights rest. FKLASIFHSAIFHISDFPUAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm just glad Juno is on tv right now, that is making my life a little better.

Sorry about the drama I just needed to vent.

if i vomit maybe life will get better...

2010-08-16T21:32:00.002-06:00

Does anybody else ever just want the world to stop? Or maybe not the world, just you? I think that's kinda how I feel right now. I just want life to stop. I want to puke. I want to die. I want to be loved. I want to matter. I want to make a difference. I want to have something to show for my life thus far. I wish I was a better person. I wish no one hated me or was upset with me. I wish I didn't care about what anyone else thinks. I wish I was worthy. I wish I didn't have issues. I wish I knew what was wrong. I wish I was confident and sexy and everything else society wants me to be. I wish I knew how to fix myself. I want to talk to someone, anyone really, but I can't get myself to do it. Bleh. I just want my heart to stop beating.

Anyone want to send some powerful pills my way? Please?

life update

2010-08-15T20:34:00.003-06:00

So my life is uber crazy right now. I have 5 nights left at home. And by that I mean that I have adventures planned so I will only be sleeping in my bed 5 more times before I move out. Totally crazy. I cleaned my room yesterday. I didn't realize how much trash my room was holding hostage but don't worry, the trash is now free to go live with other garbage where garbage belongs. Bleh. I have no idea why I felt like I needed to say that... huh. Anyways, this week was crazy. I finished my first semester at college, I modeled for Caitlin, I went to Idaho and saw a meteor shower then I came home and saw a documentary about child sex slaves in the US and I did my first driving thing with drivers ed (it did not go well). So that was my week. This week my plan to pack everything up that I plan on taking to college and then go on an adventure with Maren! I am so excited! I haven't seen her in ages. Sorry, there was no real point to this blog, I just needed to talk to someone about my life. Also, if anyone who reads this wants to hangout before I move out you should tell me cause I only have like 2 unplanned days left. This is all.

good-bye.

beecroft!

2010-08-08T16:27:00.002-06:00

So. This is just a random life update.

Basically Eric is my bestest friend ever. There is no doubt in my mind. I know he is twice my age and I could be his child but he is my bestie. I hung out with him 5 times this week. It was great fun. We went on all sorts of adventures and talked about everything. Things I learned from hanging out with him are: he can keep a secret better then I think he can, I am going to spend a lot of time at his house when I am in college, I will miss him more than anything else at Walden. This is basically all. Mmmm. I guess I would just like the world to know that I love that man to death (in a non creepy way). He is the person who has stuck around the longest, through thick and thin, he has been around a great deal of my life. I trust him with my life and all of my secrets and I am grateful that we are so close. I would probably be dead if it weren't for that man. No joke.

Oh and side note -

Dear Sam,

Let me read your blog and stop being mean and blocking me out of your life. Just love me!

Jamie

a sucidal pedophile?

2010-07-29T20:16:00.005-06:00

Today was totally the worst day I've had in a long time. Bleh. I had to participate in some studies for my psychology class. They weren't very enjoyable. I thought they would be somewhat cool but it was all creaptastic. So the first study I participated in was one where I had to look at pictures of people and rate how sexually attracted I was to them. I thought that it was going to be people close to my age and just different races and stuff like that but I was wrong. I hate to rate pictures of children. It was the creepiest thing I have ever done in my life. I walked out of that room feeling like a pedophile after looking at pictures of small children for so long. I then rode my bike all the way across campus to my next study. When I was riding to the bike rack I crashed in the middle of the parking lot. I flipped over my bike, swore super loud and then laid in the road until some old Hispanic came over to see if I was okay. Everyone else just looked at me when I swore and drove off. It was awesome. The next study I did was one where they wanted to figure out how people with anxiety and depression process stuff. The first thing they had to do was stick this giant wet net on my head that measured brain stuff. They then proceeded to stick me in a dark room with a computer. I was totally trippin. Anyways I had to press some buttons and look at some arrows. And then I had to list things as fast as I could and it was the worst thing because I kept stressing out and spacing and then I felt stupid and that made everything worse. I was then asked about my symptoms and then things got crazy. I was asked a few questions about suicidal thoughts and I was pretty honest about my answers and then everyone was freaking out and the guy asking me the questions had to call his supervisor who had to talk to me and make sure that I am not suicidal. It was awful. He kept asking about my therapist and if I was okay and then he told me about the suicidal hotline and how I could call 911 it was the worst moment of my life. I am fine. I am not currently suicidal. It was just awkward and I was just thinking I should have lied like everyone else who you have asked these questions to. It was just the worst moment of my life. I have to go back and finish both of the studies in 2 weeks. I really really don't want to. And to complete my day Eric canceled our adventure for next week.

Today was the terrible.

I can now get a tattoo, get married, be a porn star and buy dry ice.

2010-07-25T23:46:00.003-06:00

So I turned 18 on Friday. It was crazy. I still can't believe I am a legit adult. It's mind blowing. My weekend was crazyish.

Friday:

I woke up to Sam bouncing around my room and singing me a song. I was so tired that all I could say was go away. Then I slept some more until my parents came in with cake and a giant candle that my dad set on my bed which is of course the best idea because fire and a bunch of blankets should always be together. It was not a pleasant morning even though everyone was trying to be nice. I just wanted to sleep. At noon I went to babysit because who doesn't do that on their birthday. It was cool though because I got a present and extra money because it was my birthday. After spending time with children I went to Bajio with the family because Bajio is delicious. Then I sat around and then realized I could go to Spoon Me and get something amazing and free so my father and I went and it was a party. Then I sat around my house for years and years until James and Nathaniel showed up at my door and they decided to take me to what used to be known as Liberty Land but is now another Trafalga. It was soooo much fun. We played laser tag multiple times, rode a merry-go-round, played table hockey and played in bumper boats with water guns where we all got soaking wet. James and Nathaniel also drove some crazy fast go carts and rock climbed so walls but I couldn't do that because I don't have a license and I was in a dress. Then we went to Iceberg because you get a free shake on your birthday and who doesn't like a free shake. We sat in the restaurant for like a hour and then they took me home. It was a grand old adventure.

Saturday:

I had to get up bright and early to go paint my brothers house. Sam and I were there the majority of the day. We got a lot done. However I am still covered in paint for some reason and I am missing a toenail because I was attacked by a chair. So that was basically my day along with some Olive Garden dinner with Spencer, Katherine and Char.

Sunday:

I went to church and slept. But that's nothing new. What's new is the fact that I am now in a class with a bunch of old ladies who are about to die and they all want to talk about their lives and sing songs. It's awful. I can't wait to get out of there. After church I hung out with children and watched the old school Willy Wonka. Then I went to Caitt's house for a meeting about the photo shoot I am modeling for. The meeting was way funner than I expected it would be. I finally saw Eric! This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing that boy. I missed him crazy amounts. Anyways that was my birthday weekend.

Now I just need to get through this week which includes a midterm, a paper and participating in a field study. I am nervous to say the least. Bleh.

Blog ya later.

A Whole New Crazy!

2010-07-20T21:07:00.002-06:00

Today I was diagnosed with Social Phobia. Did any one see that coming? I sure didn't for some reason. So as of today, this is my list of craziness:

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Depression

Attention Deficit Disorder

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Social Phobia

I am thinking that I should probably add some more to my list. I already have 5 things why not have them all right? Any suggestions where I should start?

Oh 50's, I miss you

2010-07-16T01:47:00.003-06:00

Why did drive-in movies disappear? They are only the greatest things ever. Really. Spending a summer night in a car with the love of your life, watching an old school movie and then going to get a burger and shake and lay on your car and stargaze the rest of the night and just talk. Best thing ever.

The Shell in Orem does outside movies but you sit on a hill, not a car. Don't get me wrong, I love the hill but there is just something cool about watching a movie in car.

The 1950's did some crazy things but drive-in movies are genius.

If you love me. We should go. Especially if a Hitchcock movie is playing. Those are the best.

Ni Hao

2010-07-12T01:00:00.008-06:00

Now it's time for a life update. College is better, I have a group of people who I sit by in one of my classes and they are pretty fun people. I am still not a huge fan of homework, it's not like there is a ton or that it's hard I just don't want to do it. I am currently going through a Band of Horses phase, like they are all I listen to right now. Psych and White Collar start back up this week and I am totally stoked! One of my many doctors said I look like Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club. Do you agree? I am not sure if I do. Um... OH! I am going to be a model and I am super nervous excited. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand this is all for now.

good-bye.

Summer Adventure!

2010-07-08T13:24:00.005-06:00

Spent last night with my boys (James, Nathaniel, Derek and Tommy)! It was one of the funnest things I have done all summer. First we met up and went to the latest showing of Toy Story at the Scera (which we kind of talked through the entire time [Did anyone else pick up on the fact that the garbage man is Sid? That evil kid from the first movie]). Then, when the movie was over we walked over the the Shell and walked around and then played catch with all of the random sports equipment that Derek keeps in the trunk of his car. We then proceeded to Wendy's to get frostys. Then we went back to the Scera for some reason and sat in the parking lot, ate our frostys and had the best time of our lives.

Things that were said that made me laugh that I can remember:

"You can put that potato picture on your bathroom wall." Derek

"Naked ladies on my bathroom wall?!?!?" Tommy

Everyone but Tommy busts out laughing

(Please note that Tommy is deaf in one ear so that is really what he heard)

"The bachelors are back." Nathaniel

"My initials are on your ceiling!" Me

"Well, that's creepy" Nathaniel

"I have never seen anyone that unattractive in real life and she looks like that after being airbrushed!!" Nathaniel talking about Bella

"I thought that was a picture of Nicolas Cage." James talking about a Joseph Smith painting

oh boy....

2010-07-05T00:24:00.007-06:00

As of this weekend, two of my ex-boyfriends are married parents. It's the strangest feeling in the world. I am so young. They are so young. At one point in time I thought I was going to be there with one of them. The whole situation just boggles my mind. I can't stop thinking at a thousand miles an hour. I am kinda heartbroken. It's terribly retarded. I just don't understand why I feel like this. I feel like such a creeper that after such a long amount of time that I am still attracted to him. A friend told me once that this is common, that you never forget your first love and the feelings never fully go away. I know he is right but I still feel weird...

~ topic change ~

I was watching Grease tonight and I realized that Eric is right, I do love bad boys. But I am not sure if my reason is the same as most gals. I do agree that most of them are the most attractive people to ever walk this earth, but, I think that my attraction to them goes much much deeper than that. I am attracted to them because of the dark triad just like other people. However, my attraction isn't that initial meeting and getting to know you part like most, it's that once your in the relationship part and the triad really develops. It's terribly addictive for the worst imaginable reasons. Anyways, that's all that goes on the internet.

I HATE YOU A1!

2010-06-30T16:57:00.003-06:00

A1 ruins my life!!!! I hate them! They lost all their records of me so now I have to pay another $300 and start all over and all I had left to do was my driving hours and test out. And now my dad is yelling at me because it's somehow my fault that we need to pay another $300 because the A1 people are retarded. I hate A1 and this is all.

I need a plane ticket.

2010-06-26T22:06:00.003-06:00

I miss London.

I miss the tube and the double decker buses.

I miss interracial couples.

I miss the crazy fashion.

I miss the smokey air.

I miss the humidity.

I miss the elephants on parade.

I miss the street music.

I miss reading the newspaper every night.

I miss walking everywhere.

I miss the silent kindness of the people.

I miss the smell of coffee in the morning.

I miss the accents.

I miss the hustle and bustle.

I miss the art.

I miss the want to get up and explore every morning.

I miss the inspiration.

I miss feeling like I was a part of something.

I miss the tall buildings.

I miss the melting pot of people.

I want to go back, I feel so out of place here.

Lunch Break

2010-06-21T13:12:00.002-06:00

So, here I am on my first day of college eating lunch almost like I belong here. However, I don't belong here, not yet anyways. I feel like I am just taking classes here, not like this is my school. I talked to a few people in my first class today, it was just polite small talk. But I hope one day it will be good friends talk. I want to fit in here and I want to have friends or at least one person who will sit with me in between classes. I would also not like to have to carry a giant backpack around on my back all the time, it hurts and it makes me feel retarded. I also really don't want to do homework. I want to have a summer vacation!!

busted blog

2010-06-20T20:54:00.005-06:00

This wouldn't upload on my other post for some reason :/

The Brock look-a-like seriously had the same face as Brock and right after the meal was served the hooker flight attendant that I mentioned talk about her boyfriend that was like half her age and she told stories about their love fests.... worst hour of my life...

Back to the Homeland

2010-06-13T23:44:00.006-06:00

Last Day in London

2010-06-13T22:39:00.008-06:00

Last day in London. Sad day. However, we went to Westminster Abbey, Wicked and then we went on a ghost bus tour.

Sorry, I forgot to zoom out again.

Last few pictures in London.

Westminster Abbey

Again

And again

Sam got bored on the tube and decided to take pictures

She even took a picture of our parents

We saw Wicked and it was fantastic!

I found a plastic bobby hat

We went on a ghost tour

and we found some elephants

Mostly Buildings

2010-06-13T14:21:00.004-06:00

These are just some more pictures from London land.

Tower Bridge

London Eye

National Gallery

Sam

There were some protesters and I wanted to go hang and take some pictures of them but my parents wouldn't allow it so this was the only shot I got.

This is ben, he is big

Tower Bridge

Hyde Park and Hotel

2010-06-13T08:27:00.006-06:00

I went a tad camera crazy thus the amount of pond videos.

Sorry, I forgot to zoom out at the end.

Park Pics!

Peter Pan!

I was that excited

Sam liked the statue too

This what most of our hotel time was like. I was hyper and crazy bored and my family ignored me. Sad times.

Someone acknowledged me. Success!

The Red Side of London

2010-06-13T07:23:00.018-06:00

These are some pictures and summaries of what happened in between the last vlog and the next one.

We went to a practice parade thing and the Duke of something was there and it was fancy.

We also saw a few museums such as the Science Museum, the Victoria and Albert Museum and the British Museum.

Can you imagine 30 yards of those red plastic strips hanging from the ceiling? Yeah... I had a good time.

We found a pregnant man

Red telephone booth

Rosetta Stone

Greek Marbles

We almost went to Hogwarts...

But then the wall closed...

So we took pictures instead.

Alien Rocks and Other Things We Saw

2010-06-12T15:13:00.017-06:00

We got a bus pass for the day and saw Windsor Castle, Stonehenge and Bath.

More Pictures!

Windsor Castle Gift Shop

Hey Eric, I took this picture just for you :D

Stonehenge

Sam's Face

My Face

Our faces together

So one time when I was at Stonehenge there was the gal who was totally feeling the magical rays coming from the rocks and she was beautiful and I loved her.

Cathedral in Bath

Same guy, different side

We met a Roman

So, at the bath they frown on people who get in the water so I couldn't take a bath but I was able to sneak my feet in. The water was amazingly warm.

Sam decided she wanted to sneak her feet into the water too.

We had a fun time and my dad made lots of beautiful Australian friends who are living my dream life. The Australians are also ridiculous amounts of funny and I miss them.

In The Streets of London

2010-06-12T14:56:00.005-06:00

This is my very first vlog! Sorry for the lack of details/eye contact and bad angle. I am still figuring things out.

Pictures thus far:

(All of these came from my dads camera)

Marble Arch

Bus Tour

Hard Rock Cafe

Harrods

Sherlock Holmes Pub

Outside the pub

Beefeater @ Tower of London

The London Dungeon

London is Lovely

2010-06-06T11:50:00.004-06:00

Hey homies. Sorry for the lack of posts but I have been lacking Internet these last couple of days and today my Internet is limited so this post is sure to be short. Anyways, I have learned cool things like Benjamen Franklin had 30 preserved human bodies in his basement, some church I can't remember the name of had 300 bodies in it's basement that had been turned into a gigantic chess board, Australians are crazy and like to throw babies off of boats and men can have babies now (I met a pregnant man today, it was fancy), leggings are pants here, Utah has no place to shop for fancy things and I am going to move to London someday.

I vlogged twice so far and I'll upload the vids when I get home.

Sam Went to Starbucks

2010-06-01T11:16:00.003-06:00

So I am chilling in London. It's a beautiful place. It defiantly has a city vibe like most. The energy here is off the hook. It's been raining since we got here. I'm not too bummed since I love rain but I am bummed I packed Utah summer clothes. Basically I am retarded. Anyways. We got here early Monday morning (local time) and we went straight to the bus tour to get a feel for the city and the layout, ya know, the basic info and stuff. Btw, riding a double decker bus feels like riding in a flying car. We also checked out St. Paul's Cathedral. It was fancy. It pretty snazzy. Today we went back to the bus and saw the stuff we didn't see yesterday. Then we headed over to Hard Rock (which is one of my favorite restaurants ever mostly due to the vibe in the restaurant not really the food) and the hard rock we went to happens to be the first one amongst the hundreds that now exist, it also has one of the best collections that includes Madonnas cone bra, several Bob Dylan guitars, hand written John Lennon lyrics as well as his famous glasses and green army shirt he wore during one of his tours to show his anger about Vietnam and toooooons of Zeppelin things. The place was loaded with goodies. I may have stopped breathing a few times. Then, due to the large amounts of rain, my lack of clothing and my family being pansies, we went to Harrods to get warm. It was super lame due to the fact that I couldn't even look at items because the prices made my brain explode. Now I am chilling at the local library because it has free Internet unlike my hotel and Sam went to Starbucks to get a drink because she's freezing. I'll post pics of London and graduation eventually. I'll post again as soon as I have time again.

Pre Graduation

2010-05-29T00:56:00.002-06:00

I feel scared. Nervous. Depressed. Anxious. Basically a mix of terrible feelings. I feel like my childhood is over. Like it's being ripped out from under my feet and I am going to fall into adulthood unprepared. I am so frightened of what the real world has in store for me. I feel really alone in a world packed with people. It's the worst feeling in the world. I also can't sleep or stop shaking and I feel like I am about to vomit. Probably the best thing ever? Grrrrrrrreat.

Capitol Reef

2010-05-28T10:51:00.002-06:00

- Hiking

- Swimming

- Cliff Jumping

- Rock Climbing

- Star Gazing

- Tanning

- Skinny Dipping

- Late Night Card Games

- Car Rides with Eric

- Football

- Pies

- Coke

Life can't get much better than that.

Busy Bee

2010-05-17T19:58:00.002-06:00

Basically my life has been totally crazy lately. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I am graduating next Saturday. Does that blow anyone else's mind? Anyways my school is lame and makes us to retarded things that I hate that have been keeping me busy but I am sure no one wants to read about that. So, cool things are happening in my life. I am going on my last Walden expedition last week. I am going to Capitol Reef for 3 days and I am praying that I will have a good time because right now I am worried that it will be terrible. Then I graduate. Then I am off to London for 2 weeks and I think I'll vlog while I am there, then edit and post when I get back, not sure though. Now is the super crazy news! (You'll probably only understand if you are LDS but if you aren't just be excited for me) Guys! I was called to be a girls camp director! I am so stoked! So I get to go to girls camp like 2 days after I get home so that will be crazy fun. I am kinda worried though, orientation for school is the same time as girls camp and I'm not sure what I'm gonna do yet. Is it important? Is it mandatory? Anyone know? Anyways once I get home from girls camp I start school. I am so busy all of a sudden, it's so strange. So know you know about my life.

$$$$

2010-05-07T22:40:00.005-06:00

I think I am unemployable. It is impossible to find a job that I would enjoy around here. I don't want to work somewhere I hate because if I hate it then I wont get any work done. But I would really like a job. I am also nowhere near the best and I am terrible at essays therefore no scholarship money for me. This means that I need to pay for everything by myself but wait, I don't have a job. I have absolutely no income. This is an issue. I just got an email that says I have to pay for tuition soon and it costs a ton of money. I am screwed. So many angry words are bouncing around my head.

explosion of masked dancers?

2010-04-29T14:56:00.003-06:00

Heylo blog followers!

Guess what? It's been a year since I wrote my first blog. Crazy right? And to celebrate you should check out this poor guy. Yeah... worst birthday ever... (for that guy not for my blog)

On a more positive note, Jess taught me how to shuffle cards today and on a cool scale of 1 - 5 I feel like a 6. It's pretty dope! To celebrate my new skill you should watch this amazing man who I need to marry. Craziest dance you've ever seen right? I love him.

This is all.

Things I Don't Want To Do

2010-04-26T21:18:00.002-06:00

Write the English Elections paper for U.S. Gov

Finish up my senior paper

Go to the Senior Luncheon/Presentation

Go to school

Apply for more scholarships

Take Finals

Take CRTs

good for you?

2010-04-24T14:16:00.006-06:00

Now, being in a relationship can be a good thing for you but it's not always a good thing for the people around you. Now I am not saying I hate everyone in a relationship but there are some people that I would like to punch in the face when they are dating someone because they start exhibiting different behaviors. For example, lets say you start to date someone and then you start being a brat and all you ever talk about is your new girl or boy and you have been dating them for like 2 days (Just so you know, it's the most annoying thing EVER!). And when I ask to change the topic don't accuse me of being jealous, trust me, I am not jealous at all, I am just trying not to vomit. Or if you are not the non stop talker, you could be that person who just ignores everyone except your lover (This behavior is also frowned upon but I would prefer silence over nonstop talking about your new partner). Bleeeeeh. So basically I am just asking everyone to be the same person in and out of a relationship or at least don't change how you act around your friends.

Also, the play that I was in no longer exists. My problem is solved!

woman in mind....

2010-04-17T21:02:00.003-06:00

Monday I auditioned for the play Woman in Mind and I ended up getting the lead. So that's cool. But what's not cool is the fact that I was told that there are some slightly sexual lines and I thought, okay, some and slightly isn't too bad I am sure I can handle it. I was also told that I needed to have a stage kiss and I was thinking, okay, it's probably just a peck so I can possibly get myself to do that. But in reality the play is uber sexual (including a sex scene) and I would have to make-out on stage and now I would like to quit because that is not my style at all and the whole thing makes me super uncomfortable. I tried to tell Dallas how I felt and I don't think that went over very well. I don't want him to think that I am a complainer or a quitter but I am completely uncomfortable with the entire thing and I am 94% sure I am not the only one. At the cast meeting on friday Kevin said he wanted to quit and I think that it was mostly due to the amount of sexual content in the play. It's just crazy. I don't want to quit because I really like acting and I would feel bad dropping out and leaving Ingrid to find another lead but this is driving me bonkers. I just feel like I was kinda mislead about what I had to do for this play. GAH!! Any idea what I should do?

qwetyiopasfjkzxm.

2010-04-12T00:46:00.002-06:00

Dear Maren, Chance, Andrew, Shi, Spencer, Kathrine

Thanks for making the end of my spring break so fantastic. I love you guys.

Also. Only 7 weeks of high school left.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

2010-04-07T21:00:00.008-06:00

I am so happy today! It's very strange. Also my day was fantastic so now you get to read all about it.

James called me at noon and asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him and Nathaniel and since his call woke me up and I hadn't eaten anything yet I agreed. I am so glad I went, those boys are so ridiculously fantastic. We ate at village inn and we got free pie, made jelly towers and had this weird ice competition that I have no idea how to explain. It was a party.

Then I went to go get my passport and international student id with my family so I could go to London. It took a long time but it was okay because there was a bunch of Time magazines laying around that I got to read. Time magazine is the shiz.

After we got all of that shenanigans taken care of my mom decided that she was too tired to cook so we went to Burgers Supreme, and for those of you that don't know they have the greatest garden burgers ever. So that was fun.

Then Sam and I headed up to the Clothesline Project at UVU. It was terribly amazing. It was really nice to read about other people who are going through stuff. When I was at the table full of girls making shirts, it was the least alone I have felt in a long time. It was a terrible but good feeling. Terrible because we are all relating to each other because of abuse but good because I realized I wasn't the only one. Another thing I thought was interesting was that they had these sounds going off at a set time and the longer you stayed in the exhibit the less you would notice the noise, it just reminded me of our terrible society and how abuse "isn't that big of a deal" now a days and we have just become desensitized . Anyways I loved it.

Also, don't forget to go barefoot tomorrow.

I love you guys! Thanks for reading about my life.

I am thinking about getting rid of the title picture thing.. do you have any thoughts about that?

Another List

2010-04-06T22:48:00.002-06:00

Things I Hate:

Utah's Bipolar Weather

The Walden School

Meat

PDA

People that are stupid because it's "cute"

Not having a job

Not having a drivers license

When people write like they are texting

When pple txt lik thiz

Stress eating

Homework

Over the top weddings

When people my age talk to me like I am 5

Vomiting

Surgery

Thanksgiving & Christmas

How addicting chocolate is

Kids Bop

When someone commits suicide and then people realize there is an issue

The fact that the world is so messed up

My lack of skills

Feeling guilty all the time

Feeling alone but saying no when people ask to hang out

Abusive people

When bugs get caught in your hair right by your ear

Snow

The crappy internet at my house

I can't get myself to trust anyone

When people think I am the one that ratted them out

This is all I dare to put on the Internet

like a puppy wants to please his new owner.

2010-03-28T23:26:00.005-06:00

I feel nauseous. I would like to vomit. I feel it in the pit of my stomach and I want it out now. Do you ever feel the residue of a plan that a gone awry? Like you screwed everything up and it's all because you tried to please everyone? And if you just stuck to the plan and lied everything would be okay? Do you just feel it deep in the pit of your stomach and nothing will fix it but time and until everything is okay you just have to deal with that terrible feeling? Story of my life. I hate people. I hate what they do to me. I hate screwing people over. I also hate awkward situations and that's exactly what I would have been in if I had stuck to the plan so maybe this way a good thing? What am I talking about? I had plans and then I felt bad and tried to help everyone out but it was no use. I made it worse. It was my fault. I just tried to help a friend out but I screwed plans with another friend over. I know you are mad at me but you are to nice to tell me. I should have just said no, then I wouldn't be in this situation. I should have been sick or something. Something should have happened to me. Why do I always do this? I would like to disappear. Where is that invisibility cloak when you need it? Also. Music is the best medicine in the world.

creeper qualities

2010-03-16T00:34:00.004-06:00

am i a creeper? i'm on constantly on facebook but i never really talk to anyone.

i don't like being or feeling alone but i push everyone away, and not even on purpose most of the time. really. it's an issue epically because i start bitchin' out when i start getting comfortable around people. i think i might be out to get myself? is that even possible? or maybe i do like being alone and i am not fully aware?

i have a picture wall that i made when i re-did my room 2 years ago and it's full of pictures of people that i haven't had a conversation with in the last year and for some reason i can't get myself to take the pictures down. i'm a total freakster.

i stay up all night but then i sleep all day long. i went to sleep after seminary this morning and i woke up to go to the doctor at 4 then i came home and i woke up at 9p.m. i have a creeper sleep schedule.

today i also realized that i am really good at talking to small people but not with people my own age. college will be interesting...

holy crap. i am a total creeper. kill me now?

why do i write things like this and put them on the internet? do i want the whole world knowing i am a freak? i think i need more readers so the chances of me writing things like this are slimmer.

deathly ill?

2010-03-11T15:24:00.002-07:00

So I've been uber uber sick the last week and so I went to the doctor and all he could tell me is that I had a virus of sorts and he recommended that I go to the Hospital and get an EBV test. After days of waiting and growing closer to death, my doctor called me with the test results and said that I have had mono in the past and that this is a relapse type deal and now I am really confused. I have no idea when I had mono or where it came from. Bleh. Anyways, I am dying and it's a real party.

A List of Happiness

2010-03-09T14:41:00.007-07:00

Pauly Shore Movies

Anti-Depressants

Walks in the Fall

Weekly Visits to the Doctor

Sleeping in

Cabaret Strange

Art Exhibits

People that say strange things

Concerts

Putting on "Strange" Clothes and Running Around my Neighborhood

Youtube

Gay Men

Vintage Clothes

Black and White Movies

Dresses

Bike Rides

Camping

Rain

Coloring Books

Knee High Socks

Converse Shoes

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

Cartoons

Singing Disney Songs at the Top of My Lungs When no one is Home

Leafs

Fruit

Lilly Jean

Songs with an Acoustic Guitar

Watching Cars Drive by on the Street Outside my Window

Clouds

Being as Tan as an Indian

Salads

Bare Feet

Dying my Hair

Tim Burton

Graffiti

Airports

To My Boys:

2010-02-27T23:12:00.002-07:00

Dear Kevin, Tyler and Chance,

I don't think I will ever be able to say thank you enough. Really. You have probably saved my life. Literally. You have always been so kind to me. You have never pressured me or put me into a situation that I haven't wanted to be in and you are the only boys who have done so. I know we don't talk tons and tons but I want you to know that I trust you with my life. I know I have been a bitch and said something terrible at one point or another but you have stuck around. Thank you. I love you so much and I truly hope that you are an active part of my life after I graduate and hopefully until the day I die. I just wanted you to know that you have had a huge impact on my life and I am so grateful that you have been so kind to me. I love you more than words will ever be able to express. I will always be in your debt and I hope to pay you back to the best of my abilities. You mean the world to me.

Sincerely,

Jamie

so mixed up, i'm like a bitter berry smoothie

2010-02-21T22:36:00.002-07:00

So guys, mixed feelings are such a party, and lately I have had a plethora of them.

India:

Just about everyone I hate in the world is leaving the country for 3 weeks so that will be the greatest thing in the world! However, I will be going with out Eric and Merin for 3 weeks so I might die?

High School:

Am I at the right school? Seriously I am hatin the Walden. I hate going to school and when I am there I tend to live in my Mothers office to avoid as many people as possible and ahhhh I just don't even know but I just want to get out. I realize that I am graduating soon but it isn't enough. Most days I come home uber depressed and just sick to my stomach. I think this is an issue. On the other hand I can't get myself to transfer because of the few people I love to death and I would die without Eric in my life on a regular basis.

Drivers Licence:

Some days I really wish I could drive. I feel like such a burden sometimes by needing people to take me places. It's not like I really go anywhere but when I do, I feel bad cause I wanna be out late or I want to go farish places so it's just inconvenient for others. Here is the deal though, I HATE driving. Really, I do. I am sure I am the only teen who does and I am a freak, but absolutely hate driving. You have to be looking everywhere at once and I for one can't do that with out having a panic attack. Do you know how hard it is to drive backwards when you are super dyslexic? Let me tell you, it is close to impossible. I hate having to tell a whole machine thing what to do, I can't even control my body, how am I suppose to control a car? Also terrible terrible things happen in cars. There are car crashes everywhere and I really don't want to die.

College:

So I am pretty sure everyone who reads my blog knows my college plans and knows that I would like to keep them on the super down low and I appreciate those who can keep my plans to themselves but sometimes I worry that I am making a bad decision... mostly because I got a Deans Scholarship to another school and I am so broke and that is the only scholarship I have received so I am worried that I won't be able to afford to go to the school I want and that really worries me....

Speaking of College I would like to send out a reminder that if the word gets around I will kill you all.... mostly because there are quite a few people that I would like to have no idea where I am living/going to school next year.

Early March Thingy:

Sometimes, I am so angry about it. I blame myself and I just want to die and I hate my life and it's a party. It has screwed up every relationship I have had since and every relationship I am ever going to have. I don't trust anyone. But sometimes I am so grateful, not because a terrible thing happened but because it changed my entire life. Like, when I think about it, my entire group of friends has changed, the things I do and like has changed and so has my relationship with my family surprisingly enough, and it's all been for the better and I believe that it all has to do with this single event...

Friendship:

I really really wish that I had someone that I could talk to about anything, someone who wouldn't judge or go off and tell anyone else about it or use it against me. I really wish that I could trust people when they say you can tell me anything. But I can't. Is that my fault or someone else's? Is it because of all the people that have screwed me over? Or am I just a terrible person with issues who pushes everyone away? How can you know someone is really trust worthy anyways? It just seems like "friendship" is a big joke sometimes. But I want it, I want it so so badly...

Now you have all had a look inside of Jamie's Brain... I know, you totally loved it.

Things that are on my mind?

2010-02-07T21:01:00.002-07:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah I haven't blogged in a while. I have been meaning to but I can never think of anything to write about and I really don't have anything to say in this blog either I just plan on typing and seeing what comes out!

I guess i should just type what's on my mind? Yes? So if you hate me you should just tell me and not pretend to be my friend to my face and call me a bitch when I'm not around. Yeah.. really you can just call me a bitch and I can call you one and we can call it good? Good plan!

Next order of business. Hey if you do something terrible and you have done this terrible thing multiple times before you probably shouldn't lie to me or try to justify what you are doing because you have no right to do what you are doing no matter what "happened" to you. Also... I officially hate you again and I am not planning on handing out another chance or attempting to help you because I am sick of how you are treating me. You really are a bastard at heart.

Moving on. I hate being in therapy on a weekly basis, I realize that I need to be in there that often or more, but really, its so inconvenient? Scratch that. I hate winter, I hate being depressed and I hate the ass holes that put me in therapy. Thanks you rock.

On a happier note, I love Dallas Hanson SOOOOOOOOOOOO much! Really, I love Dallas more than life and he has done more for me than he will ever know.

So, uh, I think I just put some angst back into my blog. I know you all have missed it but sometimes this is my only outlet cause I am so awesome at talking to people other than my therapist. Mostly I just needed to get that all out of my system. So, to all of you that read this, thanks for caring enough to read.

underage drinking can help you!

2010-01-22T13:55:00.004-07:00

So, I found this kick ace scholarship. "The Courageous Persuaders Scholarship is open to high school students nationwide. You must create a 30-second TV commercial targeted at middle school students to warn them about the dangers of underage drinking. You do not have to be taking a video production course to be eligible. In addition to a scholarship award, the winning team will also have their commercial aired on television." And I had this awesome commercial all planned out in my head but then I went to the official scholarship site and I was reading the rules and I found out that my commercial would get me disqualified because it would be considered to be too graphic which is lame, I was thinking of doing something along the lines of the Montana meth project but a little less graphic because I don't have the money or time to do something like that but I totally would because i think that is one of the greatest ad campaigns off all time. So anyways... I am back to square one-ish. But here is possibly the good news? I was reading the rules and i can have a team made up of anyone in high school with a max of 5 members and the prize would be split amongst us. So if anyone wants to hop aboard let me know. I know, you are thinking there is no way we can win so i am not going to even bother but this is where my super convincing skills come in! First of all no one really knows about this scholarship/contest so that eliminates a large amount of the world and second of all the winners aren't chosen based on how awesome the ad turns out but the idea of it and there are 5 prizes and the winners from last year are really terrible so I think we can win so you know it could be fun? I am just trying to help everybody out so if you want some college money tell me and we can have a party!

Tampow? Heck yes!!!!

2010-01-16T11:18:00.002-07:00

So, I am sure all of you are very aware of the commercial Sam, Chance and I made advertising tampons for our finical literature class. It's pretty amazing and terrible all at once if you haven't seen it, click ME! You can also rate, comment and subscribe and it will make my day! Hooray! I love you guys and everyone who preformed and the Cabaret last night, you were amazing!