and then there were two.

So my week was a week from hell. Compared to other weeks I've had it hasn't been thaaaat bad but it was still undesirable.

So Thanksgiving just didn't happen for me. It wasn't huge bummer since I don't eat meat but just the fact that my mom flat out cancelled it and when I went home and did laundry and no one talked to each other all day long; that really freaked me out. My family fights a lot but since I moved out it's gotten a lot worse and I can't help but feel like it's my fault that they are all fighting so much right now. It just makes me sick to my stomach.

Saturday when I finally got out of my bed, from just laying in there all night looking at the ceiling all night, I cried and I cried a lot. It just hurts knowing that you weren't enough for someone so they had to go behind your back and do a bunch of shit. I hate boys. I always fall for total douche bags. Man. So anyways I was crying my eyes out so I called up Chance and made him come over and he was awesome. I don't think that I could have called up anyone better. So he came and talked to me at my place for a bit and then we went to his house and hung out until he and his family had to go to a baptism but I tagged along and it was great fun. Then Chance went with me while I got my new tattoo (Now most of you are probably thinking "new tattoo? she doesn't have an old tattoo." Well my children, that is false. I got one back in the first week of august). Anyways, I got a dragonfly and it looks awesome. I'll post pictures of both of my tattoos below so now the world will know that they exist. After the tattoo Chance and I went back to his place where we had a party and then I spent the night because I'm too depressed to be alone.

Sunday I woke up and went to church with Chance and his family and then I came back to my apartment and then I cried a lot more and I had a panic attack and it was nasty. And now here I am writing a blog full of personal information that shouldn't be placed on the internet. Bleh. I need someone to come over with a huge amount of ice cream right now but I doubt it will happen.

One:

Two:

salt lake.

Lc randomly scored some free tickets to the jazz game so Naomi, Aaron, Lc and I took advantage of them and we ended up like 10 rows up from the court it was sweeeeet and then we went to the pie and it was delicious. basically, salt lake is the best.

aaaaaand this is all.

Thanks.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving I thought that I should have a blog full of things that I am grateful for. It will be simple and I am positive that I will forget a ton of stuff but here it goes anyways.

Stuff:

Running Water

Electricity

Ipod

Laptop

Camera

Education

Apartment

Transportation other than my feet - bike, bus, car etc.

Cell Phone

Warm Clothes

Bowling League

Salads (and other healthy delicious foods)

Shoes

Crayons and Markers

Road Trips

Airports

Music

Rain

Mountains

Camping

Bon Fires

Fireworks

Movies

Shooting Stars

Peeps:

The Man Who Saved My Life - E. Beecroft

Roommates - K Dawg, Nawme, Marenator

The Ward Leader - Bishop Robbins

The Home Teacher - Matt Morgan

My FHE Partner in Crime - Jacob Mortensen

The Nerdy Boys - Robert, Thomas, John, Matt and Hiram

Freakin' Fantastic R.A. - Trish Fish

The Scera Peeps - Derek Keele, James Gillespie, Nathaniel Merrill and Tommy Rose

High School Homies - Tyler Christensen and Chance Gold

The Family

joyous day?

Well. This. Sucks. I'm down. I'm very very down. It could be way worse though. But at this point it's bad enough that I am shutting down. I've been skipping a ton of class and homework? Forget about it.

I got into it with my dad yesterday. It was nasty. I was bawling when I hung up the phone. The gist of the conversation is that he was concerned because I was down when I saw my family on last Tuesday. I guess I just don't understand why he was so concerned because I've had depression since I was 10. Having a down day is nothing new and having ONE down day is no reason for him to call up my therapist and ask him what's going on. I still pissed. I'm kinda hurt I guess. I just feel like he's going behind my back when he calls up my therapist. Another part of me feels like he is just trying to keep tabs on me. I kinda feel like now my parents are trying to be a huge part of my life but the thing is that I don't need them right now (well, besides their money and their car.... I do need those things). I needed them when I was growing up and they were too busy working to give a shit about me they just bought me whatever I wanted but buying me a bunch of crap doesn't make up for the fact that they weren't around or the fact that when they were around that they lied to me or didn't tell me the whole truth (like when my mom was in the hospital and they lied to me about it (really, that made the whole situation so much worse)). GOD. I'm just pissed off and I'm hurt.

I have to work tonight and meet with the Bishop. I'm kinda glad I can finally meet with the Bishop but I would love it if I didn't have to work. I need to go bowling. It helps me release a lot of my feelings. I still need to find a sub for tonight since Maren and Molly said they couldn't go... hmm. Anyone wanna bowl tonight? I know I want to.

an accent?

So, apparently I have an accent of the eastern united states persuasion? I am pretty sure that I don't have one but people keep asking me where I'm from because I have an accent.... I am very okay with having an accent, I just don't think I have one. I'm pretty sure I talk the same way as everyone else but apparently I don't. What do you guys think? Do I have an accent? If yes is it like I say certain words differently or is it more then just certain words? I am just curious and I would really like someone to explain this to me.

Also staying up past 2 am is lame when Maren isn't home. I have no one to talk to and I just sit around in my bedroom all bored and lonely like. Sad times.

stories from my life.

Sunnnnday:

Eli and Tyler came over and made Maren and I dinner. It was an awkward time. Then I stayed up till 5:30.

Monday:

I woke up late and had to run to school in the rain. I forgot to wear a jacket and I was wearing canvas shoes. I was soaking wet all day. It wasn't a party. Trisha came over that night and told us about her missionary and then Kristy and Naomi talked about their boys and Maren talked a little bit. It was a good time.

Tuesday:

I had to go to therapy in the morning then I purposely skipped class for some reason that I can't remember. I walked to Shopko in the middle of a snow storm. Then my mom took me to the bank so I could deposit my check and I found out that I might have enough to have an adventure over thanksgiving break. After the bank my mom was planning on taking me to a store so that I could buy new pants because all of mine are falling off but we didn't have enough time so we headed to Macaroni Grill where we met up with Spencer, Kathrine and the baby as well as my dad and grandma. Dinner was... well, something else. If you know my family then I'm sure you can imagine. Meh. It was actually one of the better get-togethers we've had. After that I went home and Matt A. came over and then Tyler came over after he left. Tyler even helped me out with my potential thanksgiving adventure. He's the best.

Wednesday:

Woke up and went to school. I fell asleep in every class. I came home and had some hot chocolate because it was uber cold outside. Then I got on facebook and started talking to Eric which was great because I hadn't talked to him in ages. I was suppose to go to a crisis line meeting but I ended up talking to Eric the whole time instead. Then I went and I found a sweet artist who is gonna help me out with my thanksgiving plan. Ummmm. Then I went bowling and bowled a 131 and it was sweet! Then I came home and puked because my stomach was so angry at me and then I went to bed.

Thursday:

Slept through my alarm and woke up to the fire alarm going off because Kristy turned on the heater and it smelled nasty. I ended up sleeping in past my only class of the day... so that was kinda bad so then I just sat in my room and listened to some Pandora because Pandora is the best. Then I got a text from my partner from the crisis line asking me if I was coming in and I had totally spaced so I ran to the crisis line as fast as I could which only took 15 minutes (I was very surprised by my running skills). I stayed there until 6 then ran home so that I could meet up with my mom and grandma. Then when they showed up my grandma had to tell me about her rotting teeth and how I was an anorexic. My mom dropped of my grandma at her place and then we went out to eat and then we ran to TJMaxx to look for some pants because all of mine keep falling off. After a shopping adventure we had to head back to my grandmothers for a quick family gathering of sorts and the entire utah family gang was there and it was a party. Then Spencer was kind enough to give me a ride home and then come and talk with me for a while so that was very very nice because I really do enjoy talking to him. So we chilled for a bit and then he had to go home. I'm really glad he took the time to talk to me though. It meant a lot.

So. That's my week thus far. Tomorrow I have to take a midterm which I am certain I am going to fail hardcore.

I'm not sure if I should blog more like this or if you guys like it more the other way where I just throw out random updates with way less details. Just let me know what you like and I'll try to keep it how you like it unless I am in the mood to write a different way. Also more people should have a blog or blog more often about their lives because blogs are my favorite.

Anyways. I'm out for the night! Peace son!

Life Update

So, I love my job but I'm only guaranteed to work one more time. It's quite depressing. I miss Eric and Lilly more than anything else on the face of the earth. Bowling league is good. Crisis line is good. Social life is meh. Homework is the worst. I am the worst at doing homework. I am determined to never life at home again. I don't think that I could do that to myself. Oh man. Also I am terrible because I keep stressing out whenever someone I know is having a problem or stressing out about something. Like I drop whatever I am doing and then I'll bend over backwards if needs be, to fix the problem or help the person stressing out with the issue. I'm not saying that helping is a bad thing but more the fact that I haven't done anything for me and I haven't been able to de-stress myself but I am going out of my way to try to help everyone else out. I've also been recently overcome by a constant feeling of guilt and I have no idea what to do about it. Time for a topic change? Yes. There are some tagged pictures of me in college of me on facebook for those family members or others who live far away and want to keep tabs on my life.

Anyways. That's my life. I'm off to bed. Happy daylight savings everyone!