where i am

If I could go back to being 8 years old and know exactly what my life is like right now, would I be happy? Would I be proud of who I am? Of the decision I've made? Of how far I've come? Would I be proud of all of the mistakes I've made? Would I try to change anything? Would I be proud of the people that I associate with? Would I be proud of the relationships I have with my family and friends?

If I was 8 and I knew where I am now I think I would be embarrassed. I think all I could say is "That's it? In 10 years from now that is what my life is going to look like? Is this some kind of sick joke?" I feel like I was a better person 10 years ago then I am today when I am an adult. I'm not sure I would change anything though, I made the decisions I made for a reason. I'm not sure that based on the decisions I've made in my life that I could be further along and happier but I would like to hope that maybe I could be happier and that I am on the road that will take me there.

Sometimes I just wonder that if my 8 year old self would feel nothing but pity for me then why on earth would anyone feel differently? I hope one day I will learn and grow and make decisions and maybe in another 10 years my now present self will be proud of my now future self. But for now I will just feel disappointed with where I am.

things i missed

I'm watching the news right now and I forgot how much I love watching the news and then staying up and watching Jay Leno. Leno is a funny funny man especially when jay walking or headlines is involved.

anyways, this is all for now. Happy holidays.

lunch with the parental unit

So my dad and I went to lunch today and I semi told him and he semi guessed about my tattoos and things went a lot better then I expected. I just hope it goes that well when I sit down with both of my parents and we "discuss" it.... hmmm. I wonder what Sam will think. I am pretty sure she'll be the only member of my family who is surprised at all.... huh. Anyways, this is all for now. Wish me luck.

and then there were two.

So my week was a week from hell. Compared to other weeks I've had it hasn't been thaaaat bad but it was still undesirable.

So Thanksgiving just didn't happen for me. It wasn't huge bummer since I don't eat meat but just the fact that my mom flat out cancelled it and when I went home and did laundry and no one talked to each other all day long; that really freaked me out. My family fights a lot but since I moved out it's gotten a lot worse and I can't help but feel like it's my fault that they are all fighting so much right now. It just makes me sick to my stomach.

Saturday when I finally got out of my bed, from just laying in there all night looking at the ceiling all night, I cried and I cried a lot. It just hurts knowing that you weren't enough for someone so they had to go behind your back and do a bunch of shit. I hate boys. I always fall for total douche bags. Man. So anyways I was crying my eyes out so I called up Chance and made him come over and he was awesome. I don't think that I could have called up anyone better. So he came and talked to me at my place for a bit and then we went to his house and hung out until he and his family had to go to a baptism but I tagged along and it was great fun. Then Chance went with me while I got my new tattoo (Now most of you are probably thinking "new tattoo? she doesn't have an old tattoo." Well my children, that is false. I got one back in the first week of august). Anyways, I got a dragonfly and it looks awesome. I'll post pictures of both of my tattoos below so now the world will know that they exist. After the tattoo Chance and I went back to his place where we had a party and then I spent the night because I'm too depressed to be alone.

Sunday I woke up and went to church with Chance and his family and then I came back to my apartment and then I cried a lot more and I had a panic attack and it was nasty. And now here I am writing a blog full of personal information that shouldn't be placed on the internet. Bleh. I need someone to come over with a huge amount of ice cream right now but I doubt it will happen.

One:

Two:

salt lake.

Lc randomly scored some free tickets to the jazz game so Naomi, Aaron, Lc and I took advantage of them and we ended up like 10 rows up from the court it was sweeeeet and then we went to the pie and it was delicious. basically, salt lake is the best.

aaaaaand this is all.