Smoke

I have realized recently that I have been quite lucky with how my life has turned out. Based on some decisions that I have made I am surprised at how lucky I have been. In junior high I had a really rough group of friends. My best friend and the boy of choice at the time were both dealing marijuana to our friends and other students in the school. For being only 13 I had interacted with an illegal substance quite a bit. I had been around my friends when the smoke and dealt. I had seen it, smelt it, touched it but refrained from smoking it. One day at school during lunch my friends took a walk to go smoke. I went with them which was abnormal for me during school hours. We walked a few buildings down to hide while everyone lit up. Something was different about this time. I am not sure exactly what it was. It is too long ago to remember exactly how I was feeling. But I finally gave in. I smoked. It was disgusting. All I remember thinking is that I would rather eat a plant then smoke one. It was very unpleasant. I couldn't get high but I watched everyone else sky rocket to cloud 9.

We returned to school and were immediately sent to to office. Someone had seen us. Police came in and talked to us. They brought in the drug dogs. One kid was arrested and all of my friends were expelled or suspended. But somehow, I was allowed to keep coming to school. I have no idea how that worked out. A teacher defended me. Said I was a good kid. But beyond that I think I was just lucky. The friendships I had with all of those people and the easy access I had to drugs faded. I cannot explain how grateful I am for that. There were several times where if I had the easy access that I did that I know I would have smoked. I am so sure that if I stayed in contact with those people that I would have become a frequent user.

I had a similar experience with drinking when I was a sophomore. Someone bought me some drinks, I drank them but then I lost contact with that person and have yet to drink since but occasionally I still want to drink all my problems away. I have terrible depression and drinking or smoking seems like an easy escape from the world.

As a child I always saw smoking and drinking as glamorous. I grew up in Chicago and Tokyo where that is the norm. I thought it was sophisticated because that is what most adults did, especially the attractive ones. It looked like a beautiful thing. As I have gotten older I have seen that this isn't the case. I recently had an Aunt who passed away due to drinking and smoking and now that I hang out at a halfway house with Zack I can see how much damage this lifestyle can have. I may still occasionally have the urge to use to escape some emotional turmoil but I know that I won't. It really isn't worth it. I am so grateful that I have lost contact with the people who would so easily supply things for me. I think it was a factor that could be a part of why I am still alive.