Smoke

I have realized recently that I have been quite lucky with how my life has turned out. Based on some decisions that I have made I am surprised at how lucky I have been. In junior high I had a really rough group of friends. My best friend and the boy of choice at the time were both dealing marijuana to our friends and other students in the school. For being only 13 I had interacted with an illegal substance quite a bit. I had been around my friends when the smoke and dealt. I had seen it, smelt it, touched it but refrained from smoking it. One day at school during lunch my friends took a walk to go smoke. I went with them which was abnormal for me during school hours. We walked a few buildings down to hide while everyone lit up. Something was different about this time. I am not sure exactly what it was. It is too long ago to remember exactly how I was feeling. But I finally gave in. I smoked. It was disgusting. All I remember thinking is that I would rather eat a plant then smoke one. It was very unpleasant. I couldn't get high but I watched everyone else sky rocket to cloud 9.

We returned to school and were immediately sent to to office. Someone had seen us. Police came in and talked to us. They brought in the drug dogs. One kid was arrested and all of my friends were expelled or suspended. But somehow, I was allowed to keep coming to school. I have no idea how that worked out. A teacher defended me. Said I was a good kid. But beyond that I think I was just lucky. The friendships I had with all of those people and the easy access I had to drugs faded. I cannot explain how grateful I am for that. There were several times where if I had the easy access that I did that I know I would have smoked. I am so sure that if I stayed in contact with those people that I would have become a frequent user.

I had a similar experience with drinking when I was a sophomore. Someone bought me some drinks, I drank them but then I lost contact with that person and have yet to drink since but occasionally I still want to drink all my problems away. I have terrible depression and drinking or smoking seems like an easy escape from the world.

As a child I always saw smoking and drinking as glamorous. I grew up in Chicago and Tokyo where that is the norm. I thought it was sophisticated because that is what most adults did, especially the attractive ones. It looked like a beautiful thing. As I have gotten older I have seen that this isn't the case. I recently had an Aunt who passed away due to drinking and smoking and now that I hang out at a halfway house with Zack I can see how much damage this lifestyle can have. I may still occasionally have the urge to use to escape some emotional turmoil but I know that I won't. It really isn't worth it. I am so grateful that I have lost contact with the people who would so easily supply things for me. I think it was a factor that could be a part of why I am still alive.

Cocaine Anonymous

I went to a CA meeting with Joe and Zack tonight. I had been to an AA one prior but now that I am involved in the process of helping someone I care about get clean the meaning of the meeting was very different. I would like to clarify that Zack has not used cocaine but that 12 step programs tend to group together since the community is so small in the Utah County area and that works out well because the 12 steps and the motivation of living a healthy lifestyle is shared by all. 

I have become so inspired by anyone who has ever used and is working on getting or staying clean. They have to conquer a lot of inner turmoil and basically relearn how to live life without the aid of a substance. I cannot imagine the hell that it must be to do all of that. It is so hard to change your life when you don't have any positive connections or coping skills,  don't believe in yourself and constantly have the urge to use all the time. Everyone who has been an addict and has turned their life around is my personal hero.

When I was at the meeting tonight the theme was acceptance. I realized that this is a concept that more people should be aware of and everyone should try to apply it to their lives the way those in 12 step programs do. These people seem so much more aware of their actions and life choices and they can accept their past and the damage that has been done. I am not sure that most people could own their baggage the way these people do. I am feeling so inspired. It makes me wonder about all the things I have swept under the rug and need to address. The serenity prayer that they recite at the beginnings and ends of the meetings really summed up the atmosphere. If tattoos weren't so expensive I'd get this prayer inked on right now just because of how much meaning these words carry. It gives us hope for the future and freedom from our pasts. I loved that many of the people who spoke tonight mentioned that somethings were out of their hands as they reached a point where they had to just accept the plan that God had in store for them. I truly believe the best people were born to the most difficult lives and meant to experience the hardest trials. I do wish that more people saw it that way. I wish the world could accept people the way these guys did and be a solid network and support system for one another. I wish I world was more caring and connected but this is a brilliant place to start. 

I want to inspire the world so badly. I want to be able to defeat all my demons and tell myself that it will all work out in the end.  I want to do a 12 step program not because I need it or have an addiction to anything, I just want to better myself and those around me. This 12 step stuff is simply brilliant.

Adventureland

I am loving this summer. It's beautiful. I love waking up and getting to work with my favorite kids on the planet every day and then spending all my free time with my best friends.  We have the best adventures. Zack, Dylan and I went golfing and played racquetball this last week and we had a grand old time. The views from the golf course are stunning. Utah Valley is such a beautiful place. 

On Sunday Zack, Joe, a bunch of people from AA and I hiked to Stewart Falls and we had a lot of fun. Zack found a snake on the path and then carried it remainder of the hike and told everyone that looked at the snake that "it shit on me". With his childlike mentality he was SO proud of both the snake and the mark it left behind. I  have forgotten how much I love hiking and really being outside in general. I need to go way more often. I've been going swimming but that just isn't enough. I feel like I should check out Timp Caves. I haven't done that hike in years. (If you're interested you should hit me up and we'll make it happen.) 

Despite all of the fire warnings in the area Zack and I built a fire and made smores and Hilary and I have been blowing all kinds of things up. We wreak all kinds of havoc but we have the best time in the world doing so. Some times I am surprised we go home at night with out getting into trouble for how much crap we do.

My lovely best friend Maren had a birthday party and it was absolutely splendid! I adore that girl so much. I do wish she lived closer though then I'd just live at her house. She's great. I miss staying up at night talking to her. I am going through the worst withdrawals. I can't wait to move back in with her in the fall and I'm praying that Hilary will be able to be there too. 

BBQ

Zackery swapped housing locations this week. I like the new house he is in much more that the last one. I get along with all of the people that live there and it seems like things are pretty chill there so I hope he can live in this new house for a while. A few of the residents had birthdays this weekend so there was a family/friends barbecue Saturday night. It was really fun. Zack and I had a water fight with Joe's kids. They are adorable and they dominated in our watery war. Parts of the house were soaking wet but that was a small price to pay for all of the fun we had. Afterwards we threw a football around, ate, watched a movie, and just hung out. It was absolutely splendid. I was so caught up in all the fun that I forgot that we were even at a halfway house and that anyone had any baggage or trouble at all. It was so laid back and functional. Really, it was just an overall happy place with really cool people. I truly hope that everyone who lives there can look forward to a future full of nights like that one. I want everyone there who has been through and struggled with so much to find genuine happiness surrounded by people who care about them.

The yard size for the house is really quite large for the area that it is in but it's perfect for gatherings like this and all the games we played. Joe had some tents sent up for his kids to have a little camp out with him. How adorable is that?? The weather and lighting saturday night was absolutely beautiful and the mountains were stunning.

This is Lexie. She's 6 and she has my heart. She followed me around the entire night. Zack calls her my girlfriend because she always wants to cuddle or hang out with me. Lexie calls Zack, Zackaroni and it is the most adorable thing I've ever heard. She said that Zack is her new best friend and Zack was very pleased with that.  Joe has the best kids ever. Despite what I have heard about his past I think he is a splendid dad. He cares about his kids a lot and makes sure that he really takes advantage of the time he shares with them. I am so happy for him and how often he has been able to see his kids. That is so rare for someone who has ever had a drug problem but I think that seeing his kids has helped him a lot.

Baby Boys

I got to watch my nephew earlier this week. He's a doll and wicked smart! Another one of my siblings had a son this week. He is a cutie. My family certainly knows how to make smart and adorable offspring.