Sunday, December 20, 2009
my soul is barren, my heart is hallow
Sometimes i am just not sure how to feel about things. I suppose it has something to do with my pessimistic ways. I feel blank in a way. I feel nothing and i really don't care. I don't care if i am alone or if i have friends. I don't wanna do anything. I just wanna sleep. I feel fried. I think i push myself to much and then i just get in this state where nothing matters to me and i feel like anything could happen and i wouldn't care. It's weird. I feel like i have a pit in my stomach that just eats all of my feelings away.. at least all of the good ones. I kinda just wanna go off at somebody, no one in particular, i just wanna yell at some one and hope that i feel better after. Nutcracker is over and i want to feel sad but i feel like i can't and i think it's making me sick. I wanna talk about how i feel but the problem is that i don't know how i feel about anything. I think this might be an issue. Maybe it's not me not feeling anything but just a lack of reassurance of my feelings. I kinda just want to pour myself out to someone, someone i don't know and i'll never see again, someone who can help, someone who will care enough to listen. I miss seeing Carlin around and being able to talk with him about everything without feeling judged.