Saturday, February 27, 2010

To My Boys:

Dear Kevin, Tyler and Chance,
I don't think I will ever be able to say thank you enough. Really. You have probably saved my life. Literally. You have always been so kind to me. You have never pressured me or put me into a situation that I haven't wanted to be in and you are the only boys who have done so. I know we don't talk tons and tons but I want you to know that I trust you with my life. I know I have been a bitch and said something terrible at one point or another but you have stuck around. Thank you. I love you so much and I truly hope that you are an active part of my life after I graduate and hopefully until the day I die. I just wanted you to know that you have had a huge impact on my life and I am so grateful that you have been so kind to me. I love you more than words will ever be able to express. I will always be in your debt and I hope to pay you back to the best of my abilities. You mean the world to me.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

so mixed up, i'm like a bitter berry smoothie

So guys, mixed feelings are such a party, and lately I have had a plethora of them.

Just about everyone I hate in the world is leaving the country for 3 weeks so that will be the greatest thing in the world! However, I will be going with out Eric and Merin for 3 weeks so I might die?

High School:
Am I at the right school? Seriously I am hatin the Walden. I hate going to school and when I am there I tend to live in my Mothers office to avoid as many people as possible and ahhhh I just don't even know but I just want to get out. I realize that I am graduating soon but it isn't enough. Most days I come home uber depressed and just sick to my stomach. I think this is an issue. On the other hand I can't get myself to transfer because of the few people I love to death and I would die without Eric in my life on a regular basis.

Drivers Licence:
Some days I really wish I could drive. I feel like such a burden sometimes by needing people to take me places. It's not like I really go anywhere but when I do, I feel bad cause I wanna be out late or I want to go farish places so it's just inconvenient for others. Here is the deal though, I HATE driving. Really, I do. I am sure I am the only teen who does and I am a freak, but absolutely hate driving. You have to be looking everywhere at once and I for one can't do that with out having a panic attack. Do you know how hard it is to drive backwards when you are super dyslexic? Let me tell you, it is close to impossible. I hate having to tell a whole machine thing what to do, I can't even control my body, how am I suppose to control a car? Also terrible terrible things happen in cars. There are car crashes everywhere and I really don't want to die.

So I am pretty sure everyone who reads my blog knows my college plans and knows that I would like to keep them on the super down low and I appreciate those who can keep my plans to themselves but sometimes I worry that I am making a bad decision... mostly because I got a Deans Scholarship to another school and I am so broke and that is the only scholarship I have received so I am worried that I won't be able to afford to go to the school I want and that really worries me....
Speaking of College I would like to send out a reminder that if the word gets around I will kill you all.... mostly because there are quite a few people that I would like to have no idea where I am living/going to school next year.

Early March Thingy:
Sometimes, I am so angry about it. I blame myself and I just want to die and I hate my life and it's a party. It has screwed up every relationship I have had since and every relationship I am ever going to have. I don't trust anyone. But sometimes I am so grateful, not because a terrible thing happened but because it changed my entire life. Like, when I think about it, my entire group of friends has changed, the things I do and like has changed and so has my relationship with my family surprisingly enough, and it's all been for the better and I believe that it all has to do with this single event...

I really really wish that I had someone that I could talk to about anything, someone who wouldn't judge or go off and tell anyone else about it or use it against me. I really wish that I could trust people when they say you can tell me anything. But I can't. Is that my fault or someone else's? Is it because of all the people that have screwed me over? Or am I just a terrible person with issues who pushes everyone away? How can you know someone is really trust worthy anyways? It just seems like "friendship" is a big joke sometimes. But I want it, I want it so so badly...

Now you have all had a look inside of Jamie's Brain... I know, you totally loved it.