Sunday, February 21, 2010

so mixed up, i'm like a bitter berry smoothie

So guys, mixed feelings are such a party, and lately I have had a plethora of them.

Just about everyone I hate in the world is leaving the country for 3 weeks so that will be the greatest thing in the world! However, I will be going with out Eric and Merin for 3 weeks so I might die?

High School:
Am I at the right school? Seriously I am hatin the Walden. I hate going to school and when I am there I tend to live in my Mothers office to avoid as many people as possible and ahhhh I just don't even know but I just want to get out. I realize that I am graduating soon but it isn't enough. Most days I come home uber depressed and just sick to my stomach. I think this is an issue. On the other hand I can't get myself to transfer because of the few people I love to death and I would die without Eric in my life on a regular basis.

Drivers Licence:
Some days I really wish I could drive. I feel like such a burden sometimes by needing people to take me places. It's not like I really go anywhere but when I do, I feel bad cause I wanna be out late or I want to go farish places so it's just inconvenient for others. Here is the deal though, I HATE driving. Really, I do. I am sure I am the only teen who does and I am a freak, but absolutely hate driving. You have to be looking everywhere at once and I for one can't do that with out having a panic attack. Do you know how hard it is to drive backwards when you are super dyslexic? Let me tell you, it is close to impossible. I hate having to tell a whole machine thing what to do, I can't even control my body, how am I suppose to control a car? Also terrible terrible things happen in cars. There are car crashes everywhere and I really don't want to die.

So I am pretty sure everyone who reads my blog knows my college plans and knows that I would like to keep them on the super down low and I appreciate those who can keep my plans to themselves but sometimes I worry that I am making a bad decision... mostly because I got a Deans Scholarship to another school and I am so broke and that is the only scholarship I have received so I am worried that I won't be able to afford to go to the school I want and that really worries me....
Speaking of College I would like to send out a reminder that if the word gets around I will kill you all.... mostly because there are quite a few people that I would like to have no idea where I am living/going to school next year.

Early March Thingy:
Sometimes, I am so angry about it. I blame myself and I just want to die and I hate my life and it's a party. It has screwed up every relationship I have had since and every relationship I am ever going to have. I don't trust anyone. But sometimes I am so grateful, not because a terrible thing happened but because it changed my entire life. Like, when I think about it, my entire group of friends has changed, the things I do and like has changed and so has my relationship with my family surprisingly enough, and it's all been for the better and I believe that it all has to do with this single event...

I really really wish that I had someone that I could talk to about anything, someone who wouldn't judge or go off and tell anyone else about it or use it against me. I really wish that I could trust people when they say you can tell me anything. But I can't. Is that my fault or someone else's? Is it because of all the people that have screwed me over? Or am I just a terrible person with issues who pushes everyone away? How can you know someone is really trust worthy anyways? It just seems like "friendship" is a big joke sometimes. But I want it, I want it so so badly...

Now you have all had a look inside of Jamie's Brain... I know, you totally loved it.

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