Sunday, October 31, 2010

my stomach controls my life?

This morning I woke up with some crazy stomach thing. It's like that something in your life is a funk feelings. But I don't think anything is a funk so I can't tell if this is like a warning sign like "Hey! Hey! Something bad is gonna go down, you better change something stat!" Or maybe this is the paranoid feeling I get that usually causes me to do something retarded when my life is going well? I just can't tell and it's kinda irritating because I want the feeling to go away and I want to take care of the potential problem if there is an issue. I read a study a while ago that talked about how accurate your gut is and how you should listen to it and I realized that my gut has never failed me but I can't tell what the feeling is this time. Is it pure paranoia or is something actually gonna go down? I guess I'll just wait it out and see.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I got this?

Many prayers, tears, mistakes, a years worth of venting and a blessing later I think I can finally do it. I can finally end it. I am going to try to stand up for myself for the first time in years. I am going to be honest and just say exactly how I feel. Maybe something along the lines of "I'm just not ready for this and this isn't what I want or need right now". I am going to do whatever it takes to get out of this situation because I know it's what I need to do it and I know I'll be grateful in the long run. I just got to do. I can't back down. I am not going to be physical when I am not ready to be. I am not going to be a tease and lead someone on. I am not going to inconvenience myself just because I don't want to hurt some one's feelings. My life and my sanity needs to be my priority in life for once. I am going to take care of myself and keep control of my life and the situations I am put into.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

oh boy!

There is really only one thing that I want in life and that is a decent boy. I want someone who is smart, funny and random and word vomits like I do. I want to be with someone who I can completely trust both when it comes to physical stuff (like he won't push me to do things I don't want to do) and when it comes to emotional stuff (I want to be able to tell someone everything about my life, no secrets). I want to be with someone that I find attractive and not some freak who follows me around like my shadow. I want to be with someone who won't judge me and will just love me unconditionally for being me. That's really all I want in a guy; if we have some things in common then that's nice too but really, I just want someone who respects me and loves me back.