a sucidal pedophile?

Today was totally the worst day I've had in a long time. Bleh. I had to participate in some studies for my psychology class. They weren't very enjoyable. I thought they would be somewhat cool but it was all creaptastic. So the first study I participated in was one where I had to look at pictures of people and rate how sexually attracted I was to them. I thought that it was going to be people close to my age and just different races and stuff like that but I was wrong. I hate to rate pictures of children. It was the creepiest thing I have ever done in my life. I walked out of that room feeling like a pedophile after looking at pictures of small children for so long. I then rode my bike all the way across campus to my next study. When I was riding to the bike rack I crashed in the middle of the parking lot. I flipped over my bike, swore super loud and then laid in the road until some old Hispanic came over to see if I was okay. Everyone else just looked at me when I swore and drove off. It was awesome. The next study I did was one where they wanted to figure out how people with anxiety and depression process stuff. The first thing they had to do was stick this giant wet net on my head that measured brain stuff. They then proceeded to stick me in a dark room with a computer. I was totally trippin. Anyways I had to press some buttons and look at some arrows. And then I had to list things as fast as I could and it was the worst thing because I kept stressing out and spacing and then I felt stupid and that made everything worse. I was then asked about my symptoms and then things got crazy. I was asked a few questions about suicidal thoughts and I was pretty honest about my answers and then everyone was freaking out and the guy asking me the questions had to call his supervisor who had to talk to me and make sure that I am not suicidal. It was awful. He kept asking about my therapist and if I was okay and then he told me about the suicidal hotline and how I could call 911 it was the worst moment of my life. I am fine. I am not currently suicidal. It was just awkward and I was just thinking I should have lied like everyone else who you have asked these questions to. It was just the worst moment of my life. I have to go back and finish both of the studies in 2 weeks. I really really don't want to. And to complete my day Eric canceled our adventure for next week.

Today was the terrible.

I can now get a tattoo, get married, be a porn star and buy dry ice.

So I turned 18 on Friday. It was crazy. I still can't believe I am a legit adult. It's mind blowing. My weekend was crazyish.

Friday:

I woke up to Sam bouncing around my room and singing me a song. I was so tired that all I could say was go away. Then I slept some more until my parents came in with cake and a giant candle that my dad set on my bed which is of course the best idea because fire and a bunch of blankets should always be together. It was not a pleasant morning even though everyone was trying to be nice. I just wanted to sleep. At noon I went to babysit because who doesn't do that on their birthday. It was cool though because I got a present and extra money because it was my birthday. After spending time with children I went to Bajio with the family because Bajio is delicious. Then I sat around and then realized I could go to Spoon Me and get something amazing and free so my father and I went and it was a party. Then I sat around my house for years and years until James and Nathaniel showed up at my door and they decided to take me to what used to be known as Liberty Land but is now another Trafalga. It was soooo much fun. We played laser tag multiple times, rode a merry-go-round, played table hockey and played in bumper boats with water guns where we all got soaking wet. James and Nathaniel also drove some crazy fast go carts and rock climbed so walls but I couldn't do that because I don't have a license and I was in a dress. Then we went to Iceberg because you get a free shake on your birthday and who doesn't like a free shake. We sat in the restaurant for like a hour and then they took me home. It was a grand old adventure.

Saturday:

I had to get up bright and early to go paint my brothers house. Sam and I were there the majority of the day. We got a lot done. However I am still covered in paint for some reason and I am missing a toenail because I was attacked by a chair. So that was basically my day along with some Olive Garden dinner with Spencer, Katherine and Char.

Sunday:

I went to church and slept. But that's nothing new. What's new is the fact that I am now in a class with a bunch of old ladies who are about to die and they all want to talk about their lives and sing songs. It's awful. I can't wait to get out of there. After church I hung out with children and watched the old school Willy Wonka. Then I went to Caitt's house for a meeting about the photo shoot I am modeling for. The meeting was way funner than I expected it would be. I finally saw Eric! This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing that boy. I missed him crazy amounts. Anyways that was my birthday weekend.

Now I just need to get through this week which includes a midterm, a paper and participating in a field study. I am nervous to say the least. Bleh.

Blog ya later.

A Whole New Crazy!

Today I was diagnosed with Social Phobia. Did any one see that coming? I sure didn't for some reason. So as of today, this is my list of craziness:

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Depression

Attention Deficit Disorder

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Social Phobia

I am thinking that I should probably add some more to my list. I already have 5 things why not have them all right? Any suggestions where I should start?

Oh 50's, I miss you

Why did drive-in movies disappear? They are only the greatest things ever. Really. Spending a summer night in a car with the love of your life, watching an old school movie and then going to get a burger and shake and lay on your car and stargaze the rest of the night and just talk. Best thing ever.

The Shell in Orem does outside movies but you sit on a hill, not a car. Don't get me wrong, I love the hill but there is just something cool about watching a movie in car.

The 1950's did some crazy things but drive-in movies are genius.

If you love me. We should go. Especially if a Hitchcock movie is playing. Those are the best.

Ni Hao

Now it's time for a life update. College is better, I have a group of people who I sit by in one of my classes and they are pretty fun people. I am still not a huge fan of homework, it's not like there is a ton or that it's hard I just don't want to do it. I am currently going through a Band of Horses phase, like they are all I listen to right now. Psych and White Collar start back up this week and I am totally stoked! One of my many doctors said I look like Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club. Do you agree? I am not sure if I do. Um... OH! I am going to be a model and I am super nervous excited. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand this is all for now.

good-bye.

Summer Adventure!

Spent last night with my boys (James, Nathaniel, Derek and Tommy)! It was one of the funnest things I have done all summer. First we met up and went to the latest showing of Toy Story at the Scera (which we kind of talked through the entire time [Did anyone else pick up on the fact that the garbage man is Sid? That evil kid from the first movie]). Then, when the movie was over we walked over the the Shell and walked around and then played catch with all of the random sports equipment that Derek keeps in the trunk of his car. We then proceeded to Wendy's to get frostys. Then we went back to the Scera for some reason and sat in the parking lot, ate our frostys and had the best time of our lives.

Things that were said that made me laugh that I can remember:

"You can put that potato picture on your bathroom wall." Derek

"Naked ladies on my bathroom wall?!?!?" Tommy

Everyone but Tommy busts out laughing

(Please note that Tommy is deaf in one ear so that is really what he heard)

"The bachelors are back." Nathaniel

"My initials are on your ceiling!" Me

"Well, that's creepy" Nathaniel

"I have never seen anyone that unattractive in real life and she looks like that after being airbrushed!!" Nathaniel talking about Bella

"I thought that was a picture of Nicolas Cage." James talking about a Joseph Smith painting

oh boy....

As of this weekend, two of my ex-boyfriends are married parents. It's the strangest feeling in the world. I am so young. They are so young. At one point in time I thought I was going to be there with one of them. The whole situation just boggles my mind. I can't stop thinking at a thousand miles an hour. I am kinda heartbroken. It's terribly retarded. I just don't understand why I feel like this. I feel like such a creeper that after such a long amount of time that I am still attracted to him. A friend told me once that this is common, that you never forget your first love and the feelings never fully go away. I know he is right but I still feel weird...

~ topic change ~

I was watching Grease tonight and I realized that Eric is right, I do love bad boys. But I am not sure if my reason is the same as most gals. I do agree that most of them are the most attractive people to ever walk this earth, but, I think that my attraction to them goes much much deeper than that. I am attracted to them because of the dark triad just like other people. However, my attraction isn't that initial meeting and getting to know you part like most, it's that once your in the relationship part and the triad really develops. It's terribly addictive for the worst imaginable reasons. Anyways, that's all that goes on the internet.