Thursday, June 28, 2012

Cocaine Anonymous

I went to a CA meeting with Joe and Zack tonight. I had been to an AA one prior but now that I am involved in the process of helping someone I care about get clean the meaning of the meeting was very different. I would like to clarify that Zack has not used cocaine but that 12 step programs tend to group together since the community is so small in the Utah County area and that works out well because the 12 steps and the motivation of living a healthy lifestyle is shared by all. 

I have become so inspired by anyone who has ever used and is working on getting or staying clean. They have to conquer a lot of inner turmoil and basically relearn how to live life without the aid of a substance. I cannot imagine the hell that it must be to do all of that. It is so hard to change your life when you don't have any positive connections or coping skills,  don't believe in yourself and constantly have the urge to use all the time. Everyone who has been an addict and has turned their life around is my personal hero.

When I was at the meeting tonight the theme was acceptance. I realized that this is a concept that more people should be aware of and everyone should try to apply it to their lives the way those in 12 step programs do. These people seem so much more aware of their actions and life choices and they can accept their past and the damage that has been done. I am not sure that most people could own their baggage the way these people do. I am feeling so inspired. It makes me wonder about all the things I have swept under the rug and need to address. The serenity prayer that they recite at the beginnings and ends of the meetings really summed up the atmosphere. If tattoos weren't so expensive I'd get this prayer inked on right now just because of how much meaning these words carry. It gives us hope for the future and freedom from our pasts. I loved that many of the people who spoke tonight mentioned that somethings were out of their hands as they reached a point where they had to just accept the plan that God had in store for them. I truly believe the best people were born to the most difficult lives and meant to experience the hardest trials. I do wish that more people saw it that way. I wish the world could accept people the way these guys did and be a solid network and support system for one another. I wish I world was more caring and connected but this is a brilliant place to start. 

I want to inspire the world so badly. I want to be able to defeat all my demons and tell myself that it will all work out in the end.  I want to do a 12 step program not because I need it or have an addiction to anything, I just want to better myself and those around me. This 12 step stuff is simply brilliant.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012


I am loving this summer. It's beautiful. I love waking up and getting to work with my favorite kids on the planet every day and then spending all my free time with my best friends.  We have the best adventures. Zack, Dylan and I went golfing and played racquetball this last week and we had a grand old time. The views from the golf course are stunning. Utah Valley is such a beautiful place. 

On Sunday Zack, Joe, a bunch of people from AA and I hiked to Stewart Falls and we had a lot of fun. Zack found a snake on the path and then carried it remainder of the hike and told everyone that looked at the snake that "it shit on me". With his childlike mentality he was SO proud of both the snake and the mark it left behind. I  have forgotten how much I love hiking and really being outside in general. I need to go way more often. I've been going swimming but that just isn't enough. I feel like I should check out Timp Caves. I haven't done that hike in years. (If you're interested you should hit me up and we'll make it happen.) 

Despite all of the fire warnings in the area Zack and I built a fire and made smores and Hilary and I have been blowing all kinds of things up. We wreak all kinds of havoc but we have the best time in the world doing so. Some times I am surprised we go home at night with out getting into trouble for how much crap we do.

My lovely best friend Maren had a birthday party and it was absolutely splendid! I adore that girl so much. I do wish she lived closer though then I'd just live at her house. She's great. I miss staying up at night talking to her. I am going through the worst withdrawals. I can't wait to move back in with her in the fall and I'm praying that Hilary will be able to be there too. 

Monday, June 18, 2012


Zackery swapped housing locations this week. I like the new house he is in much more that the last one. I get along with all of the people that live there and it seems like things are pretty chill there so I hope he can live in this new house for a while. A few of the residents had birthdays this weekend so there was a family/friends barbecue Saturday night. It was really fun. Zack and I had a water fight with Joe's kids. They are adorable and they dominated in our watery war. Parts of the house were soaking wet but that was a small price to pay for all of the fun we had. Afterwards we threw a football around, ate, watched a movie, and just hung out. It was absolutely splendid. I was so caught up in all the fun that I forgot that we were even at a halfway house and that anyone had any baggage or trouble at all. It was so laid back and functional. Really, it was just an overall happy place with really cool people. I truly hope that everyone who lives there can look forward to a future full of nights like that one. I want everyone there who has been through and struggled with so much to find genuine happiness surrounded by people who care about them.

The yard size for the house is really quite large for the area that it is in but it's perfect for gatherings like this and all the games we played. Joe had some tents sent up for his kids to have a little camp out with him. How adorable is that?? The weather and lighting saturday night was absolutely beautiful and the mountains were stunning.

This is Lexie. She's 6 and she has my heart. She followed me around the entire night. Zack calls her my girlfriend because she always wants to cuddle or hang out with me. Lexie calls Zack, Zackaroni and it is the most adorable thing I've ever heard. She said that Zack is her new best friend and Zack was very pleased with that.  Joe has the best kids ever. Despite what I have heard about his past I think he is a splendid dad. He cares about his kids a lot and makes sure that he really takes advantage of the time he shares with them. I am so happy for him and how often he has been able to see his kids. That is so rare for someone who has ever had a drug problem but I think that seeing his kids has helped him a lot.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Baby Boys

I got to watch my nephew earlier this week. He's a doll and wicked smart! Another one of my siblings had a son this week. He is a cutie. My family certainly knows how to make smart and adorable offspring.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Bunny Love

On an emotionally tolling day like today, sometimes all I need is some rabbit love. My boys can make it all better. Despite what Shaun thinks he wants, he was meant to be cuddled with. I think it's why he likes jumping up onto my bed so much, subconsciously he wants to held. Gustier on the other hand is a speed demon. His current pass time of choice is sitting in the window or climbing on all the shelves in the closet.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Family, Fair, Fireworks

My grandma has run into quite a few health issues in the last few days. For the last few months she has been falling asleep in the middle of doing things and ends up falling down and really hurting her self. The last few times I've seen her she has looked like a beaten raccoon. These falls have caused some accumulative damage that are now starting to take a toll. A few weeks ago I would have given her a few years to live and now it's hard to say if she'll be around at Thanksgiving this year. It's quite tragic really, I feel like I'm watching someone dance with death. She can no longer stand on her own, walking and using the bathroom alone are completely out of the question. Her short term memory is gone and she has a hard time remembering to eat and take her pills. Having conversations with her is difficult as well. You ask her a question and her answer has nothing to do with anything. It's hard for me to absorb this whole experience. She is my last living grandparent and it's really depressing to just watch her turn into nothing. I don't even know how to really describe my emotions when it comes to this just because I'm so perplexed by it all.

My Uncle and his family are planning on coming to visit next month due to the fact that we haven't seen them in 5 years. I am kind of excited though, while I may not get a long with most of them very well I do have one cousin that I click with and he's thinking about bringing out his boyfriend and I'd love to meet him. Yep, you read right. His boyfriend. I have a gay cousin and I absolutely adore him and I hope the best for him and the current relationship he is in. I know that the church I believe in might not be an advocate of gay rights but I figure if it makes you happy it's all good. I think my cousin will be a fabulous dad too. I can't wait to see him adopt a baby a few years down the road. That baby will be going into a good house.

In other news my dear friend Hilary and I drew pictures for our friend who is out of state for the summer. Hilary's picture was LMFAO themed and I think it's absolutely splendid. I loved it so much she ended up drawing me my own version. While we drew our pictures for Jim we sang loud and proud to all the Lonely Island songs. Oh man, we had a good time. It turns out I can't draw at all. We also made a Starbucks run with the always adorable Katie and we exchanged all kinds of stories and it was all kinds of good times.

In other friendly news. I had a lunch date with Miss Maren this week and it was great. I love spending time with her. I wish I could see her more but she's pretty busy now a days. I also saw Gabe, Manil and I met another boy from the ward named John. They are good folk. We saw The Artist and exchanged stories and youtube videos.

Despite all of those things, the best part of my week was seeing Zackery on Saturday. He has been on restriction from seeing me because he had lied to the people who work at the halfway house. But this week I got to see him again!! I was ecstatic! However, there were some rules I had to follow when I saw him, like I can only go to the halfway house and then there were places we could and couldn't go and there was a curfew. I was terribly nervous about hanging out a halfway house though. Even the thought of it made my anxiety sky rocket. There's not anything wrong with the place or the people. I was just terrified. I guess it's just not my usually hangout is what I'm getting at.

I am glad to say that it went well though. I met some new people, they were very interesting to say the least. One man I met, Boyd, is a part of the SAC Gang and he told me all about it. I was very fascinated by it actually. I was taught about the basic beliefs and the structure of the gang and how it is a real brotherhood. He was cool. I think we're friends now? He said if anyone tried to mess with me that he'd take care of it. So that was nice. I guess that should be a waning to all of you that I have serious people looking out for me. Don't mess with it.

I met a girl, Sammy, who is super super cute and apparently she is the "whore" of the house but she was very nice. She has 2 kids. She's 24. She seemed pretty chill and she knows everything about everyone in the house. We clicked pretty well to the point that I concluded that if I lived there she'd be my best friend. She also said she had my back. So despite my original fear that I'd be a hated outsider I think I did pretty well for day 1 at the halfway house.

I really am pleased with how it went. Zack and I were able to go to the fair and we went grocery shopping which really is a whole days event for Zack just because he really does take his dear time at the store. ( REALLY THOUGH! We were there for 2 hours! 2 bloody hours!! I love this boy but that is simply too much time at the store.) We cooked some food, played chess, walked around, watched some tv, and to top it all off we watched some fireworks with Sammy. All in all it was a good day.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Mountain Sea

This week has been hectic. There was a lot to do at Walden to get ready for summer school and it starts bright and early tomorrow morning. I feel like my co-workers and I are ready but you can never anticipate the curveballs that Walden can throw. I am very excited to spend the month of June with some amazing kids. There really is no other way I'd be happy with my summer.

Last Friday was the first Rooftop Concert Series worth going to. I had a hard time finding someone to go with by my dear friend Hilary decided to come last minute which I really appreciated. We had a splendid time being serenaded by Desert Noises and The Moth & The Flame. It was terribly crowded but between and the hipsters and the hipster wannabes in the area I should have expected such. I loved the show. There is some splendid local talent in these here parts. I am very proud that I can associate myself with such skill and passion for music. I hope I can continue to support these two bands. They have so much potential.

Other things I've enjoyed lately are The Big Bang Theory and the film 50/50. I would love my own Joseph Gordon-Levitt or Dr. Sheldon Cooper. They would bring significant joy to my life.  But alas, I will have to try to make it by with out them in person and just watch them on my television. I have 4 seasons of Big Bang to go so I am set for Sheldon but as for Joseph I just might need to purchase some more films and replay them all summer long. If that fails I can always count on Dexter Morgan to make my insides warm and fuzzy. I still have 1 season to go before I am all caught up and my father is trying to convert me to Grimm and that definitely posesses significant potential to become a new love based on the pilot.

In other news, my beloved vehicle needs some work done and that comes out to about $1000 (Ouch). So my hopes of taking a road trip might no longer occur unless a money tree appears in my back yard. It breaks my heart (and my wallet), but what can you do? I must find a new job soon but this is proving to be quite difficult as most of the jobs my heart desires has a required age of 21 which is about a year away...

Zackery is doing well. He's angry but this is expected with all the life transitions he is going through. The program he has joined has asked that we have "friendship counseling" which has been a very, very interesting experience thus far. At this juncture the program asks that the counseling session be the only time I see him through out the week. We are allowed to talk on the phone once a day for a few minutes but Zack and I would both like more interaction with each other, but if the program wants things to happen this way then I feel obligated to live by their rules. I am very proud of him. I know things are very difficult on his end but I feel like he is making great strides in a positive direction.