Goodbyes Are Hard.

I've moved, transfered schools, seen death, traveled the world, had a few jobs and through that have seen many a people come and go from my life. Saying goodbye has always been difficult. But today was by far the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. I had to say goodbye to all of the kids that I have been working with for the last 2 years. It broke my heart. I felt like I had been hit by a train. I couldn't stop shaking, my mind was racing, my stomach dropped and my heart was pumping so hard everyone around me could feel it. I think I literally went into shock.  I said goodbye to most of the students back in May but having to say goodbye to the rest of them today really feels like the death of me. I haven't been able to eat all day and all I can think about are my kids.

These kids may not be biologically related to me but they are by all means MINE. I have worked with most of these guys everday for the past 2 years. We love each other unconditionally. They mean the world to me and I know I am a large part of their life as well. No matter where life will take me I will always root for them and if one were to call me in 20 years I'd love to chat and do whatever they might need. Maybe we should have a reunion one day? I wish that was socially acceptable... The idea of never seeing these kids again is really taking it's toll on me. I have never experienced such heart break.

It's interesting how emotions can take a toll on your body.
I literally feel ill.

I'll post pictures and stories of some of my favorite kids when I have the chance.
It'll be good to share my stories and love with the world.

Dark Passenger

I have been watching more Dexter lately. This is by no means unusual but with the most current season I have come to the realization that everyone has a "Dark Passenger".  Now what is this Dark Passenger you might be asking? First of all, if you are not easily offended you should watch Dexter because it is a brilliant show and learn for yourself. Second, for those of you who won't watch the show, a Dark Passenger is basically the demon with in. The level of darkness within oneself that can be controlled or can control the person.

After watching 6 seasons I whole heartedly believe everyone has one. They are all different and some passengers are more dominant than others but we each carry one. What I found most interesting though is the point that the character Brother Sam (one of my favorite characters of the entire series) brings up. He suggests that everyone also has light it is just a matter of if we choose to let go of our darkness or embrace it. I believe this as well, even in this world. I can forgive James Holmes as well as Wade Page. There is good that can be found from these two recent shooting tragedies. There is light. There is a lesson. We just have to open our eyes and look. I believe in change for the better. I believe in forgiveness. I just hope others do too.

"I know about your darkness, but I also see your light." Brother Sam

Beats For Feets

It's almost strange the way humans can be united buy beats, tones, cords, keys and words strung together. Music can be an inspiring salvation to some. It is the key to a closed heart and mind. Music gives us the ability to express what words can not. It is an outburst of the soul really. I am so passionate about music. It is what keeps me going when nothing else can.

Band of Horses @ Twilight Concert Series

Joshua James @ Twilight Concert Series

Isaac Russell @ Rooftop Concert Series

It Comes Naturally

The world is a amazing thing. I have been outside a lot lately and have been able to embrace the beauty all around. I am so grateful that I live in such an awe inspiring place. Here are some pictures of my favorite sites from the last month or so.

Water Fall in Pleasant Grove

Rainbow in Orem

View from Squaw Peak

Oh Grandma, What A Lovely House You Have

My family struggles with what I believe to be a genetic hoarding problem. For those who are unfamiliar with this term hoarding is by definition "the excessive acquisition of and inability or unwillingness to discard large quantities of objects that would seemingly qualify as useless or without value". And holy shit it's a terrible terrible disorder. I'm sorry about the language but I am so done with all things hoarding at this point. A few posts ago I mentioned my grandmothers poor health, (she is doing much better now by the way, still doesn't remember me but everyone else she knows all about) due to recent events my parents have decided that she needs to live in a place with more hands on care than what is currently available to her. This decision means moving, which then creates the urge to slit your wrists. I am so certain that my mother is Jesus. You see, those hoarding shows which seem to be gaining popularity as of late are absolutely nothing compared to both of the prior homes she owned that we have cleaned out. Luckily this time around we had a one bedroom apartment. My mom spent hours cleaning every day and my sister and I would come help whenever we could and it is emotionally and physically tolling. (The picture above was taken over halfway through the clean up, which took an entire month mind you.)

It's so sad to see someone live in these conditions. At her last home I found a V8 which was about a decade past its due date and had turned black but my grandma continued to lecture me about how it was still good and she was planning on drinking it as I poured the black goop down the drain. At this apartment I was slightly more fortunate. I found some V8 fruit punch which was only 3 years old! Based on the flavor I guessed that it started as a light pink color. This icky brown really isn't too bad compared to the black stuff I had found prior. All I know is that I will never be able to drink any V8 product after what I've seen.

Another interesting tidbit that I had heard rumors of was that she had been going through the trash and taking other residents mail. I didn't believe this until I had to go through he magazines. Most of which weren't hers or even people I had ever heard her talk about. Chris who?? But alas I guess they were close enough that she felt fine taking his old magazines.

This is the 3rd house my family has worked on. We have at least one more and a storage unit before things are over. I love my grandma but I'm not sure how much more my family can take, especially my poor Mom.

It's Nakey Nakey Time

My lovely friend Hilary and I went to see our beautiful man friend, Stephen Cope aka Officer Jenny play at the Muse a few weeks ago. After all this time he was finally headlining a show! He deserves it. He is the most adorable man I have ever met. He is more like a cartoon really. Uber upbeat, always wears a scarf and a blazer, constantly dancing and his smile never fades and so genuine that he is impossible to hate and his music is even better. He sang a song about a haunted house that still get stuck in my head. But the favorite was definitely the nakey nakey song which is yes, exactly how it sounds. This boy is amazingly catchy. The second he releases his EP I will be a proud owner of his music. I hope he goes far and if you ever have the opportunity to see him play you should, there is nothing else like it in the world. This boy has all my love in the world and fills me with happiness! You'd probably have the same response so just look him up on facebook already!

Girls Night

Few weeks ago I met up with the beautiful Brittany. I love her. We used to be best of friends in junior high but then she transfered schools and ended up moving out of state so I haven't had much contact with her besides a few Facebook chats over the years and an occasional failed attempt at a get together but after all of these years we were able to rekindle our love! It was really interesting to see how much we've grown but still be able to hang out like we did. It was a beautiful thing. We had a girls night to a T. We went to Boondocks then ate pizza and watched Stick It while she painted my nails and this girl is insane at nails she can paint anything. Just point at a pinterest picture and it'll be on your hand in minutes! My word! She blows my mind. Actually our whole relationship does really. She is the most girly and I am, well, not that in touch with my genders standard procedures. But somehow things just work. We love each other unconditionally and would honest to god, do anything for one another. She is one of my few friends who is protective of me and would get in there and fight to the finish if someone screwed me. She'd win too. She's ballsy, that one. And honest as all else. You never have to worry about what's on her mind about you or anyone else, she'll be sure to let you know.

Anyways, back to story. The next morning she did my hair and make-up. I looked snazzy. Then we went dress and heel shopping which made me terribly nervous. I love how heels look but I'm a tard so the idea of actually buying some and having to wear them was scary. All in all I think it ended up going well other than the fact that I spent money which I really shouldn't have done due to my employment scenario. I'll make it work though. I'll wear what I bought to an interview and they'll love me just by how adorable I'll be or perhaps they'd hire me out of pity. They might think I have some disability by the way I was walking. Dang. Not sure how I'd feel about that one. Either way my new clothes are beautiful and my and Brittany's relationship is thriving. We've had quite a few play dates since our girls night and they all seem to be more eventful than the last. We even had a head injury on our last excursion. I guess we're just hardcore like that.